Gay Relationships: 5 Ways to Find Yourself After a Bad Breakup

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Feeling lost after a bad breakup? While time does eventually heal all wounds, there are some specific things we can do to find our footing again. Here are five ways to find yourself after a bad breakup.

1. Take yourself on dates. Want to go see the latest movie? Take yourself to the movie theater. Have a favorite restaurant you haven’t been letting yourself go to by yourself? Just go! Want to spend some time at your favorite coffee shop? Take yourself.

Yes, it can feel awkward going to these things by yourself at first, but the more you do it, then the more liberated you will feel. By doing these things because you want to rather than because someone else is willing to go with you, you will not only get comfortable being alone, but you will also feel more free and empowered in your own life.


2. Go on a vacation alone. 
I seriously can’t recommend this enough. When we go on vacation alone, two main things happen: A) We learn to really focus on ourselves and our own needs. So if you really don’t feel like going to that one museum by the end of the day, so what?! The decision is all on you. And B) We learn to really get comfortable reaching out to other travelers or locals for help. Any shyness goes out the window quickly!

As a result, we can find ourselves feeling so much more in control of our lives, more aware of ourselves (I mean, how can we not if we’re not around someone else 24/7?) and more empowered by feeling like we can literally do and tackle anything!
So, wherever it is that you want to go — Europe, Asia, Mexico, Brazil or maybe even just the a few hundred miles away — wherever it is, make plans and go do it!


3. Find things that you enjoy doing… then go do them! Did you used to love dancing, but you’ve stopped in the last few years? Start doing it again! Did you used to love keeping a garden, painting or working out? Then find time to do it!

Reflect back on all the things that you used to enjoy doing in your life — as a young kid, a teenager, even just a few years ago. Write all these things down on a list and make it a goal to start doing them again!


4. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t done. Is there anything you’ve always dreamed of doing, but you haven’t give yourself the opportunity to do it? This could be learning how to shoot a gun, how to speak a new language, how to play piano, how to play the guitar, etc. It may also not have to do with learning anything at all, but to just go somewhere and do something. Like to go hiking in a certain place or to go to a nearby beach or hot springs. Maybe it means to go to a certain shop that you haven’t yet been to or try a certain massage place that a friend has recommended.

Whatever it is, identify it and start looking up classes or ways that you can do these things!


5. Shower yourself with “gifts.” In other words, become a “self-care master.” So make yourself a healthy home-cooked meal. Give yourself a relaxing bath filled with epsom salts, essential oils, candles and soothing music. Go on daily walks in nature. Read a book from one of your favorite authors. Buy yourself some of your favorite flowers.

Give yourself things that you love and enjoy because you deserve it! When we shower ourselves with gifts, we shower ourselves with the love we have for ourselves.

Take action now!
In the comments below, share at least one of the things from the list above that you are going to (or at least plan to do) for yourself this week!

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Embracing a New Beginning: Moving On After a Breakup

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The ending of a relationship, for whatever reason, can be one of the most painful experiences that we can go through. Having made ourselves vulnerable by opening our hearts to another and loving him to the fullest capacity almost feels spiritual; now it’s been replaced with a crushing sense of loss and emptiness that feels quite devastating. The length of time together, the quality of the relationship, and the level of emotional investment in it all determine the intensity of the grief experienced when you and your lover part ways.

This article will explore the grieving process involved with relationship breakups and offer tips and strategies for facilitating your grief to move you toward healing so you can start your life over on better footing.

The Grieving Experience – The experience of breaking up with a boyfriend or partner can be likened to a death, with layer upon layer of losses resulting.  Not only is his absent physical presence felt as a loss, but other losses like hopes, dreams, expectations, identity, security, and trust compound and complicate your adjustment. Life as you knew it has been shaken and your vision for your future has been altered.

You experience a roller-coaster of emotions. It’s common to feel rejected, abandoned, insecure, powerless, and hopeless. Confusion and feeling a sense of failure and regret are common, as well as varying degrees of anger, depression, and guilt. You might even become preoccupied with your ex-lover, obsessing about him and thinking constantly about your life together and what he might be doing now.


In her book, “Healing A Broken Heart”(1997), Nancy Joy Carroll, ED.D outlines four stages of relationship loss that are common in the aftermath of a breakup. They include the following:
Stage 1: Shock & Denial: This usually occurs immediately after the split-up. You might feel numb, believe that this can’t be happening and minimize the reality of the situation. You feel sad, angry, confused, and might blame yourself.
Stage 2: Despair: You begin to see that the ending is inevitable and experience profound sadness, loneliness, depression, and impaired concentration. You might try to bargain with your partner to try to convince him to give the relationship another chance. You idealize your partner. You feel unlovable, wondering if you can make it on your own, and feel a loss of identity.
Stage 3: Detachment: Anger becomes more pronounced and you begin to hold your partner more responsible for the relationship split. This stage is particularly helpful as your anger helps to create some distance for you from him and you’re not as enmeshed.
Stage 4: Recovery: In this final stage, you come to an acceptance of the loss and learn to “let go”, redefining yourself as a single man again and feel more empowered to cultivate new experiences and opportunities for personal growth.

Tips Along the Grief Path – You are going through a major shift in your identity. Be patient and kind with yourself as you journey through the grieving process.

Keep these tips in mind as you forage through the pain you’re experiencing to prevent any blocks or impediments along the path of healing. It can be a rocky road, but staying focused and conscious will promote a smoother and more successful transition to the “new you.”
· Everyone grieves at their own rate and pace; there’s no timeline, so don’t rush yourself. It can sometimes take years.
· As you go through the stages of loss, be aware that healing is not linear. Expect to progress up and down through the stages. Endure through it.
· Avoid stuffing your feelings; be open to them no matter how much it hurts. Suppressing your emotions only puts a temporary band-aid on your suffering and prolongs your healing. It’s ok to cry.
· Avoid self-medicating your feelings. Beware of alcohol, drugs, gambling, work, food, sex, or other vices to comfort yourself during this difficult time. These can distract from your grieving work and become addictions.
· Depression and anxiety are common emotions during this time period. Should their experience interfere with your daily functioning or accomplishment of daily tasks, seek assistance from a license mental health therapist.
· Earlier losses and unfinished business from the past can be triggered when you encounter relationship loss. Be prepared to deal with these as well.
· Avoid making major life decisions. Allow yourself time to get more grounded and centered first. Grief can have a tricky way of clouding our judgment if not careful.
· Avoid jumping into another relationship right away. Grieve this one completely first.
· Ignore others’ attempts to tell you how you should feel or that you should “be over it by now.” They didn’t live your experience and they are typically projecting their own discomfort with loss and grief.
· Avoid being friends with your ex initially. It’s common for gay men to remain friends with their ex-boyfriends; decide for yourself if this is something that you would be able to do, and if so, allow yourself some time and space first to grieve. It can be very difficult to transition from “life partner” to “just friends” immediately after a breakup. You need time to heal to be able to appropriately view your ex in a new role.


“The ending of a relationship, for whatever reason, can be one of the most painful experiences that we can go through.”


Additional Healing Tips & Strategies:
· Provide a daily structure for yourself to keep grounded. Stay busy, but not too busy that you get distracted from your emotional work.
· Get connected with others. Surround yourself with positive, supportive friends and get engaged with life, no matter how hard it is. Join a grief support group in your area to be with others who can share similar circumstances with you and normalize your grief.
· Find a renewed sense of purpose and passion. Join an organization or a cause you care about, take a class, cultivate a new hobby, get involved! Bring healthy pleasure into your life.
· Learn to be comfortable being alone. Do some self-soothing and nurturing activities. Find value in self-renewal.
· Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself. Work with a life coach to help you learn about healthy relationships and crafting a new vision for your future. Recognize patterns in your relationships and identify areas where you can improve your relationship skills.
· Challenge negative self-talk by replacing with more enhancing, affirming, coping thoughts. Identify your strengths and value to boost your self-esteem. Use the power of affirmations and write them on index cards for quick reference.
· Remove items that remind you of your ex-lover and tuck them away somewhere so they’re not a constant visual trigger for you. There will come a time when they won’t be so jarring to you.
· Create a ritual of closure for your relationship (eg. throw a “I’m moving on” party with close friends, etc.) Find a way to commemorate the relationship and what it meant to you to aid in “letting go.”
· Create a scrapbook or collage of memories of your relationship when you’re ready.
· Release your feelings productively. Take out several sheets of paper and at the top of each write an emotion you feel (sad, angry, hurt, resentful, etc.). Then down the side of the full length of the paper, write “I feel…” and fill in the blank about that particular emotion to release all the feelings you have regarding that as it pertains to your relationship grief. Do some self-soothing afterwards.
· Keep a journal or write your ex-lover a letter sharing your feelings and what the relationship meant to you, etc. DO NOT SEND THIS TO YOUR EX!  This is for your therapeutic benefit only. Or talk to an empty chair pretending your ex is sitting there and practice processing your emotions this way. This can be extremely cathartic.

Breaking up is hard to do, as an old song once put it. Realize that your pain is a tribute to the significance that this relationship held for you and that you are a survivor. How you choose to deal with the breakup will impact the direction of your life and how soon you will be able to rebuild your life. Identify healthy outlets that you can channel your feelings toward, pinpoint potential blocks that could get in the way of your healing process, and allow yourself to be open to love again when you’re ready.

A new beginning with opportunity and possibility awaits you on the other side of the rainbow.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
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It’s Over! ― 10 Breakup Survival Tips to Get You Through It

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Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Lost love is never an easy thing to get over. So much energy spent investing in him, daydreaming about the future, smiling for no reason makes it’s hard to face the fact it was all wasted time. But the truth of the matter is it was never wasted. Whether you think so or not, loss creates a foundation that makes us stronger and wiser.
I’ve lost love, and it was one of the most difficult things I’ve gone through – surprisingly difficult. What shocked me the most was how it affected all aspects of my life, even the way I spoke. It wiped me out like a tornado scattering pieces of my heart to the ground, and all I could do was try and find them, try to recognize myself in the mirror again. It’s easier said than done, but the only way to do it is to take baby steps by replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. Here’s how I did it:

#1) Remind yourself it’s their loss.

Just because you weren’t the one to end it doesn’t mean it’s your loss, though it’s easy to go there. Stop focusing on what you’re missing and realize that they made a mistake. It’s not your fault he couldn’t see a good thing when you were standing there offering him love. At the end of the day it has nothing to do with who’s better or not, and everything to do with the goodness he was stupid enough to reject. He’s the one that lost. Regain your value.

#2) Play it cool.

It’s easy to obsess over him as soon as he’s gone, but every time you feel like stalking him on Facebook, texting him, or finding out ways to be at the same place at the same time, take a step back and play it cool. It will get easier each day the more you remind yourself how valuable you are. You don’t need him to make you feel special because you already are special. There’s no reason to “check in” with him to be sure he hasn’t forgotten about you. Trust me, it’s okay. You cannot do these things when you’re emotionally vulnerable because you’ll always end up doing stupid things you’ll regret later. Play it cool.

#3) Don’t look at it as rejection.

Rejection is such an awful word because it makes you feel like a piece of trash – you were dumped, discarded, rejected. While it may hurt that he doesn’t feel the same way you do, in no way is it rejection. When the chemistry or compatibility isn’t there, you’ll be playing a meaningless game anyway. It’s not your fault! He didn’t reject you. He probably wasn’t ready for what you had to offer, and there’s nothing you can do about that. It takes two to create love.

#4) You can be sad, but don’t pity yourself.

You’re always going to have moments of weakness and sadness, times where tears will stream down your cheeks and you don’t know why. But it’s important to not let sadness turn into pity. You cannot dwell on it, otherwise you will fall into a habit of feeling sorry for yourself, which will unconsciously push the world away from you when right now you need to bring it closer.

#5) Gain some perspective.

There are worse things in the world. If you feel sorry for yourself, turn on the news, go to the ICU of a hospital, or visit any kind of trauma unit. People are dying, losing their parents, living in areas where war is constant, starving and going without water for weeks. At least in your situation, you are able to snap out of it. Not everyone can be so lucky. Gain some much-needed perspective on the situation and change your tune.

#6) Stop talking about him to people.

The more you bring him up in conversation, the longer you will keep his spirit alive. Tell your friends not to bring him up – those who’ve also experienced a broken heart will know how important it is to do this. But the real test is up to you. Unplug him from your mind so you can start the process of detoxing the feelings away. Stop talking about it – words are powerful.

#7) Throw yourself back into friends and work.

Distraction is important during this time, especially when you find yourself getting buried with grief and sadness. You need to replace the negativity with more positive inflow, and eventually the good will replace the bad. It might take a while but you’ll soon start to recognize your old self again; and when you do, trust me, you’ll be much stronger.

#8) Be happy because you know you’re capable of loving someone else.

Be grateful in knowing that your heart is capable for loving another human being. Years ago you probably were questioning yourself, but now you know different. It doesn’t matter if it didn’t work out. There are plenty of other guys who can offer the same things he can but in multitudes of ways. Be happy you know what love feels like so that you’ll recognize it when it appears again.

#9) Stop daydreaming that it’s going to work out eventually.

None of us know what will happen to us, but that’s never an excuse to hold onto past dreams. Our future changes each and every day based on the information/decisions we make presently – the present information you have is that he isn’t interested in starting anything serious, so why plan your future around that? You cannot hang on to it. You must live your life without clenching too hard on ideas that most likely won’t happen.

#10) The future is unwritten.

Your future is unwritten, which means it’s up to you to plan. There are endless possibilities waiting for you, but you never will if you dwell on disappointments and pity parties. Lift your head. Open your eyes. Your future is bright and it’s time to welcome happiness again. Start your day with positive messages and deliver enthusiasm to everyone. Leave the past beneath the ground and rise to meet the sun.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
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Don’t Be The Crazy Ex: 8 Things to Avoid Doing After a Break Up

Regardless of the circumstances, breaking up with your boyfriend is NEVER fun. Dealing with the emotions is hard enough, but the last thing you want are people talking about how you’re obsessed with your ex and how sad it is. It’s easy to fall into that role of the crazy ex-boyfriend so I put together a few tips to help you stay off that path.

1) Chill Out On The Text Messaging – You’re broken up for a reason so remember that. You don’t need to relentlessly text him to find out how he’s doing or tell him how miserable you are without him. He needs the space, and you need the time to process things. Think about his friends laughing as he shows them your text messages and tells them how pathetic you are for not moving on.

2) Don’t Hook Up With His Friends
While this may seem like a way to get back at him, or seem like you are over him…it’s really just a way to ignite the drama between you too. IF there is any hope of you getting back together this will definitely close that door.

3) Stop Relating Every Taylor Swift Song
This is seriously a 1-way stop to depression. Whether you like her or not, you know Taylor Swift is like one of the mermaid sirens that lead sailors to their doom at the bottom of the big blue sea.

4) Put The Relationship Reminders Away
You’re broken up, there’s no reason to have your room/house still full of pictures of you guys together. It just makes it harder for you to get over him and you’re friends will start to think you might be losing it.

5) Stop Moping And Go Out
Don’t give your brain too much time to think about the breakup and what he could’ve done differently, or what you could have. Go out with friends and enjoy yourself.

6) Do Not Drunk Text Him
Nothing makes you look more desperate than a 2am text to your ex telling him you still lover him, or even worse trying to get a quick hookup (because you know it will mean more for you when you sober up).

7) Don’t Be On Stalker Status
Don’t make it a point to try and show up at all his usual spots so you can “accidentally” run into him and find out what he’s up to.

8) Remember, His Friends Are His Friends
It’s not your place to use his friends as a way to get intel on him. Chances are they are going to run back and tell him how obsessed you are with him and making things so much more awkward for you guys.





Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?
 
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5 Tips to End a Relationship with Grace

You’ve come to the end of the road. You’ve dated, muttered sweet nothings into each other’s ears and sketched out the possibilities for a future together. Now your vision for the future does not include him anymore — you see a future with someone else. You feel bad about it, but the dynamic isn’t right and you don’t feel any inclination to try and save it. You have the life support plug in your hand and you just want to pull it out.
How to do it? Before we discuss how to, this is a list of how not to:

1. Text, voice mail, fax or email.
This is very disrespectful and doesn’t allow your partner to react and ask questions.
2. Changing your social media.
Going from “In relationship”’ to “Single” is also disrespectful for the reasons listed in #1.
3. Telling friends first.
Don’t tell other people and friends you’re not happy in the hopes it will feed back to your partner and he’ll take action on it.
4. Moving your stuff.
Don’t move all your furniture and possessions out of the house and leave a message on the fridge (if you haven’t already moved that out too).
5. Upsetting your partner.
Don’t have an affair, cause trouble or do something to deeply upset your partner (or his friends or family). The list above could go on, and you will be surprised at the length some people go to construct a situation where they can flounce out like a wronged soap-opera diva.

“Expect the unexpected, and be
prepared for anything and everything.”


So how do you end a relationship nicely?
You can never predict the outcome and ending a relationship always leaves a bitter taste for everyone concerned. However, think about as if you were the dumpee rather than the dumper. How would you like it to be done? Unfortunately, an ex isn’t just going to be erased out of existence once you have said you don’t want to be together anymore, and it’s more than likely your paths will cross again in the future.
So with that in mind, being considerate about breaking your bad news is vital. If you are living together with a joint mortgage or tenancy, have a few solutions prepared on how you will wrap this up fairly. It is very unreasonable to think your partner will pick up your financial responsibilities if you move out or that he should be willing (or able) to move out.

Think about how your living and financial commitments can be resolved. One couple I was coaching decided to break up. They came to the conclusion their relationship had come to the end of the road. There were no ill feelings and they (unusually) arranged with their friends to have a breaking up party to celebrate their relationship a couple of days before their apartment tenancy ended.
They told everyone what they were doing and that they didn’t want any ill feeling between them. On the stroke of midnight, they changed all their social media statuses to “Single” and parted as friends. Now this is an unusual example, but there is no easy way of breaking up.
However, here are a few tips to consider.

1. Have the conversation in private.
Consider your words carefully and speak slower than normal (in stressful situations we tend to talk faster).

2. Have an opening line prepared.
A useful line is, “What are your thoughts on our relationship?” It’s an open question and will automatically get your partner to ask, “What do you think?” Allow your partner time to think and process what is actually happening.

3. Expect questions and expect the unexpected.
There is no predictable outcome. One client was surprised when his boyfriend turned around and said, “I’ve been meaning to ask you the same question. This relationship isn’t really working for me anymore.” He was so surprised at that outcome that he actually felt upset the relationship was ending.

4. Approach the conversation logically.
Your partner may well start flinging blame around, don’t rise to it because returning the favor will only cause more problems. The relationship has finished (the stable door has opened and the horse is galloping in the field), so causing more guilt doesn’t make anyone, you included, feel better.

5. Your personal items.
If you’re breaking the news at your partner’s home, ensure the bulk of your possessions, important documents and personal mementos are in your possession. Knee-jerk reactions from dumped exes have resulted in items, both personal and important, being destroyed and financial records tampered with. This is a worst case situation, but better be safe than sorry. This does not mean you are going to be wheeling out the 60 inch widescreen television and media center you bought together. But changing passwords on social media, banking and email accounts is an important safety measure.
Expect the unexpected, and be prepared for anything and everything. Also be prepared to feel a little tender emotionally for a few weeks. Avoid dashing straight out into the dating arena. For the first few months, consider avoiding contact with your ex, as things could be challenging and the temptation to show how miserable (or happy) you are could have repercussions for both of you.





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