Gay Dating 101: Ten First Date Red Flags

That First Date

You are getting ready to meet that handsome guy you met online or through a close friend for that all important first date. Feeling excited and a little nervous, you look hard in the mirror and think to yourself:

Will he like me? What should I wear? Does my breath smell?”

Seriously, going on a first date can be a bit of a challenge. This is particularly true for gay men who are new to the dating scene or have been off the market for an extended period of time.
After consulting with a number of gay men who were formerly single and now long-term partnered … plus a few therapists who specialize in couples counseling. Here are some gay dating red flags:

10 Red Flags for Gay Men on a First Date

What follows is a list of 10 “Red Flags” for gay men on a first date that should be thought of as potential warning signs that the guy may not be a good fit for you. Some of these red flags are obvious. Some are funny. Others are ones you may not have heard before and should not ignore. The list is by no means exhaustive.
Disclaimer: Not every point here may apply to your situation and is not set in stone. Think of these as general guidelines as opposed rigid rules.

1. He just got out of a long term relationship

This point may seem particularly obvious but the truth is that many gay men fall into the trap of ignoring this red flag. In gay years the phrase “long term” can often differ from straight folks. A long term relationship for a gay man can be subjective at best. As a rule of thumb, 2 years or more is a good yardstick go by, give or take.
What is important is this – the amount of time he has been out of his same sex relationship. If he was in a five year relationship and is now out on the market six months after the breakup, he is very likely not going to be emotionally available or emotionally capable of a real relationship again for some time. And if he still lives with his ex and is claiming, “We still live together but are not in a relationship” or anything like that, you need to run.
Here are some more tips under this point:

  • He says you remind him of his “ex” several times during first date
  • He talks about his ex the entire date or calls you by his ex’s first name (run!)
  • He tells you he wants a serious relationship (remember, he just broke up)
  • He is just coming on too strong and acting like you two are a serious couple.

2. He’s checking out other guys and flirting

Yes, this is one that should seem obvious but is ignored more than folks might think. If you are out on a real date and you are noticing that the guy you are out with is continually checking out other dudes, flirting or both – it is probably a good indication that this guy is not for you. There is an off chance that he is trying to impress you by demonstrating how he can attract other people but do you really want to deal with that?
And here is another possibility …he just isn’t into you. Instead of manning up and telling you that, he is flirting with other dudes. This point sucks and not something you want to hear but checking out other guys on a first date really is not a good sign for something long term.
Other tips under this red flag during the first date: 

  • He keeps going on Facebook or twitter or some other dating app
  • He talks about how hot another guy is on your first date

3. He wants to go to a bar

Perhaps another obvious warning sign but worth mentioning. If he wants to meet you at a local gay bar for a first date, he probably isn’t the right guy for you. The same goes that if after your official first date activity, like a coffee or a dinner, he wants to go to “the bars” .. it should be a warning sign that this guy is not long term material. The reason being is that the first date should be about getting to know one another. If he is already needing to go hang out at a bar on your first date, he likely is not ready to focus on you or a relationship. Some may disagree with this point. You decide.
Some other tips under this red flag: 

  • He tells you he meets all of his dates at bars
  • He seems to crave attention and needs an audience
  • Most of his pictures are of him at clubs and yeah … bars

4. He drinks too much too fast

Obviously, this is a subjective warning sign however, there are tell-tale things that you should be looking for under this red flag. One of them is the amount of alcohol he is consuming and the speed in which he is doing it. If you notice that he is pounding back glass after glass of wine (or some other drink) and that he is encouraging you to do the same – run.
Look, there is nothing wrong with a few drinks on a first date however, when it gets to the point that he needs to get bombed in order to function, he’s likely not going to be a good match for you. Same holds true if he shows up at your first date stoned. Run like hell. 
Other under this red flag: 

  • He wants you to get high with him
  • He talks a lot about how much he “parties” or “parTays”

5. He has less than 1 year of sobriety

A guy who is in a recovery program for drugs and/or alcohol should be applauded and supported. That however does not mean he is ready to start dating. As a general rule of thumb, people in recovery programs, like a 12-step program (AA, CMA, NA…) are encouraged to stay away from the dating scene for 1-year.
This is not a hard and fast rule but is generally encouraged. The reasons are plentiful but the primary one is that the guy needs to be focusing on his recovery. A debatable “red flag” perhaps but one that cannot be ignored.

6. He is rude to wait staff and others

If the guy you are with on the first date treats wait staff, box office attendants or others disrespectfully or rudely, he is showing his true colors. He is also demonstrating that he is a jerk and is likely unaware of how uncomfortable his behavior makes you feel.
If the guy you are out on a first date with is treating people like crap, how do you think he will treat you down the road?
Other tips under this red flag:

  • Seems to have a quick temper and goes off on small stuff
  • Does not say “thank you” or “please” when speaking to you or others
  • Orders people around like he owns the place

7. He says he is straight acting

Whenever you hear a gay man suggest that he “acts straight” or is “straight acting” you need to be concerned.
There is a difference between being masculine and “acting” hiding who you are. And what exactly does “acting straight mean” At its core, it’s called internalized homophobia when a gay dude says this.
There are many gay men who are masculine and their sexual orientation is not readily obvious.
With that shared, if your first date makes it a point to say he “acts straight” and goes out of his way to identify as straight to others around him, you really need to carefully consider if this person is for you.
Other points under this red flag:

  • He emphasizes his religious beliefs that are known to be anti-gay.
  • He identifies as a die hard republican and supports anti-gay candidates
  • He shares that he is “confused” about his sexuality (run!)

8. He is looking to hook up immediately before or after the first date

If you are getting the vibe on your first date that the guy is looking to hook up or otherwise mess around, this may be a fairly good indication that he is really not interested in dating. This particular point is not to judge but instead, to act as a potential red flag for his agenda. And hey, there is nothing wrong with hooking up – but aren’t you wanting something a little more?
Other tips under this red flag:

  • During the goodnight kiss his hand reaches towards the southern regions
  • He talks too much about bedroom positioning (top drawer/bottom drawer)
  • He can’t look you in your eyes when you kiss (umm, yeah that is a red flag)

9. He talks too much about himself

On your first date, it is only natural and human to talk about oneself a little. If however the guy you are going out on a date with is going on forever and a day about his life, his job, his car, his family, his dogs …his, his his …. There is likely going to be problems with compatibility. 
Other tips under this red flag:

  • He asks very little about you during your first date
  • He makes you feel like you are being qualified for a car loan
  • He starts to immediately playing the game of materialistic comparisons
  • Name dropping of celebrities or well connected people in town
  • He’s looking waaaay too much at his reflection in his stirring spoon

10.You ignore these red flags and others because you are hooked on his look

Do his muscles, charm and smile blind you to some of the red flags mentioned here or perhaps other red flags that you have heard of in the past? Does he make you feel overly insecure because you feel he is just too good looking to be with you? Does anything about that first date make you experience negative, familiar feelings from the past where you were in a space that was not good for you? If so, these are important warning signs.
Too many get hooked on the look and find themselves in impossible, painful, one-sided and one way relationships. Pay attention to how his physical appearance causes you to feel. If you come away from that date feeling “less than” or “ugly” then you are the person who is not ready to be in a relationship.
Other potential red flags:

  • You won’t talk about yourself because you feel “less than”
  • You feel the need to brag or go out of your way to impress him
  • You’ve dated his type before and you keep repeating the cycle
  • Can you name some other red flags that you ignore?

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

Sign-up now:
Like us on Facebook:
Tweet us:

5 Tips to Make Your Online Dating Profile Stand Out

Gay dating websites can be an awesome way to connect but can also be a real drag. Messages go unanswered, hours seem wasted scrolling through endless profiles and something that’s supposed to hook you up leaves you feeling as isolated as ever. But the problem can be easier to solve than you think.
It might seem annoying to work on your profile, but imagine it from your potential suitors’ perspective. What you say in your profile, and more importantly how you say it, are all anyone has to go off of. And the photos you choose may seem trivial, but they matter more than anything.
Here are some tips for a great online profile, and to get your dating life kicked into gear, Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

1. Put your best face(s) forward
Imagine you aren’t you. Take a look at your dating profile’s photos and ask yourself, “Would I date him?” It’s an awkward and mildly narcissistic query, but your photos should communicate two clear messages: “I am a real person,” and “I have a personality.”
If you really want to dive into the data, people with four or more photos have the best online dating experience. Also, choose a main photo that’s a medium shot (not quite a close-up) and features the left side of your face. Yes, really.

2. Leave your friends out of it
It’s tempting to include photos of you with your friends at a bar. We get it — you’re socially well-adjusted and the life of the party. But these can be problematic. A photo of you surrounded by a bunch of cute guys isn’t the most approachable, and it can even be confusing which one is actually you.

3. To selfie or not to selfie?
Let’s say you have four photos on your profile. At least two of them shouldn’t be selfies. Try using photos of you in your element, whatever your element may be. Enjoy hiking? Next time you and a friend hit the trails, ask them to help you with a little photo shoot. A shirtless picture of you on a mountaintop is infinitely more attractive than a shirtless picture of you in a bathroom mirror.

4. Tell people what you’re into, not what you aren’t into
“I take care of my body and am looking for someone who enjoys staying fit,” sounds a whole lot better than “not into fat guys.” You’ll get better results staying positive than you will by putting other people down. Avoid phrases like “masc only” or racial boundaries. You may think you’re just being honest, but it makes you sound like a total jerk. Nobody wants to date a jerk.

5. Avoid cliches
Not into “drama”? That’s great, nobody would ever say otherwise. Do you enjoy “movies and music”? Congratulations, you are a human being. Instead of spouting off these phrases that really don’t mean anything, try getting more specific. “I love Wes Anderson films and can’t get enough of Cher.” OK, now we know something about you.
The same goes for how you message people. “Hey” and “What’s up?” are two surefire ways of not getting replied to. Take 30 seconds to actually read the other person’s profile and comment on something specific. Even a cheesy joke can go a long way. “If you were a tropical fruit, you’d be a Fine-apple!” At least it’s memorable.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

Sign-up now:
Like us on Facebook:
Tweet us:

Which Online Dating Site is Right For Me?

One of the keys to successful online dating is in picking the right dating site to join. The wrong site will waste your time and cause a whole lot of frustration, while the right site will make the whole process seem easy as can be.
By following a few guidelines, you can make sure you join the right dating site and find the exact sort of relationships you’re looking for. In order to pick the right site, you need to ask a few questions:

Are there enough gay men on it?
Most dating sites these days cater to both straight and gay people, but just because a website is open to gay dating doesn’t mean it has a significant gay population on it. Determining whether a site has enough gay men on it to be worth joining isn’t too difficult. You can figure this out a couple of ways.
You can keep an ear out and pay attention to what sites are mentioned within your social circles. You can do a little online sleuthing. Or you can assume that some sites, like cooler, youth-oriented sites, are going to have larger gay populations than older, stodgier sites. 

Do I want to join an all-gay site?
You have the option of joining a mixed-sexuality dating site or an all-gay site, so figure this out before you decide on a platform to sign up for. All-gay sites may be a little more convenient to join just because you know, as sure as you can, that everyone on there is going to be eligible to date or hook up with.
Yet don’t discount mixed-sexuality websites, especially if you are younger or looking to date younger men. The social lines between gay and straight people are continuously blurring, and a lot of young gay men who already have a mixed-sexuality social circle feel more comfortable on a dating site that better matches their milieu.

“Know what you have to give
and choose accordingly.”

What am I looking for?
Most people might pretend they aren’t sure what exactly they’re looking for, but when pressed to give an answer, the average man can tell you exactly what he wants. Knowing what sort of relationship you’re looking for is important when picking a site because some sites are a lot more conducive to some relationships than others.
Once you admit what you’re looking for, pick the most spot-on site possible and be honest about your desires. One of the worst things you can do is join a commitment-oriented website when you just want to hook up or join a hookup website when you’re really looking to be courted by a relationship-minded man.

How much am I willing to invest in this process?
You have two main resources you’re going to invest in online dating — your time and your money. Know what you have to give of both of these resources. If you don’t have any money to spend, then don’t even consider premium dating websites.
If you don’t have a lot of time but you’ve got some spare cash, then consider spending a little money on a higher-end membership, as the individuals on those sites are more likely to want to respond to messages and to meet up in person. Know what you have to give, and what you don’t, and choose accordingly.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?
Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

Sign-up now:
Like us on Facebook:
Tweet us:

Are You Dating a Psychopath?

Are you dating a psychopath? And by that, I’m not referring to a fear of your loved one parting the shower curtain with a butcher’s knife.
One definition of a psychopath is “a person suffering from a chronic mental disorder with abnormal social behavior.” As with any mental illness, it can be hard to diagnose. It’s not as though it is displayed with any physical tells like a limp, twitch or anything immediately noticeable. It’s something that creeps up on you without you realizing. There are psychopaths out there in the dating world. Heck, I even dated one and had to extract myself out of a difficult relationship.
Psychologist Robert Hare developed a ratings scale for psychopathy. You can find it through most good Internet search engines. There are varying degrees of psychopathy, and 15 percent of the American population comes up on the spectrum. But don’t let this scare you out of going into the dating world, just be aware of the traits.

Psychopathic behaviors aren’t immediately apparent.
At first they come across as charming and sincere and you will build up a quick rapport with them. He will hang on your every word and will connect with you on almost every level. You’ll spend more time together, and he’ll be charming with your friends in an “insincere” way.
After a short period, you will be spending a lot of time with him and start to lose contact with your social group. But isn’t that what happens in relationships? To a certain extent, yes. However, in regular relationships, your partner doesn’t try to monopolize your time and track your every move. This attention can be flattering at first, but soon it becomes stifling. There are a variety of tells and traits to look out for. Here are just a few.

“When inconsistencies start to emerge,
then it’s time to walk away.”

1. Your date lies — small lies, big lies.
When you point out inconsistency, they will lie again to cover up the other lies.
2. You feel pressured to do things you don’t want to do.
Small things and larger things that really don’t sit well. You do them because you fear them being unhappy with you.
3. You feel controlled and isolated from friends and family.
At first you may just think you are in love. However, when you attempt to arrange things independently, you will experience his displeasure, which will make you cancel plans and you’ll be rewarded with gratitude.
4. Your date tells you they love you.
But their actions don’t fit with love, respect and emotional connections.
5. Your date doesn’t recognize right or wrong.
Either with you, your relationship, work or social settings. You may find them causing a scene in public so they can get to be alone with you.
6. Someone else is always to blame.
It might be you or someone else, but it’s never, ever them.

So what to do if you find yourself dating a psychopath?
My recommendation is when inconsistencies start to emerge, and your attempts to open a discussion about his behavior are dismissed or result in you being blamed (or another cloud of lies starts to form), then it’s time to walk away.

I dated a psychopathic boyfriend for nine months, and it took another year to completely remove him from my life after I ended the relationship. No matter how you try to tell yourself you can deal with the situation, ask yourself one question: Can you imagine living with this behavior for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, then you deserve someone better.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?
Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
Like us on Facebook:

Gay Dating: Waiting for Your Prince Charming is Pointless

Some fairy tales are only meant to be in books.

I’m starting to think that most single gay men truly believe their prince is on his way. I hate to be a cynical asshole, but when it comes to life, I believe that waiting is wasting. Life isn’t a cliché Disney movie: a perfect guy surprisingly drops in and saves you from undying loneliness. In reality, it’s probably more of a PG-13 romantic comedy: Boy meets boy, boy likes boy, there’s conflict, but eventually they realize they’re better off together than separate.

I hope this message goes out to all the single gay men who believe their time is running out. Love isn’t something that goes away. It’s directly in front of our faces but it’s up to us to reach out and grab it because, trust me, it won’t grab us unless we allow it to. If you live your life like a princess waiting to be rescued, you’re going to be waiting a long, long time. Life is supposed to be lived and enjoyed, and no one will see a fantasy come true without making a bit of effort first.
If someone told you they were waiting for a perfect job to land in their lap, yet, they haven’t made any effort to go searching for one, what will you tell them? If someone told you they were hoping they’d be a great singer, yet, they never practice, do you think they’ll ever achieve it? If someone told you they wanted a boyfriend, yet, they don’t give themselves opportunities to meet people or even bother, would you think they’re living a pipe dream?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of pipe dreams. They keep us going in life because they fill us with hope, but at some point or another we have to ask ourselves how much effort we’re putting into it. The universe works through cause and effect. You can’t say you want to change the world then go in the kitchen and make a sandwich. If you’re spending all day waiting for a man to rescue you, you’re actually doing the opposite of what you want. The prince won’t come unless there’s an opportunity to come, which starts with YOU.

A man isn’t going to slay dragons, fight trolls, climb mountains, and travel great distances only to realize that his efforts weren’t reciprocated. He’s human too, you know. When he feels like there’s no chance at winning, he probably won’t bother. There’s no point in approaching someone who only wants to be rescued. This is what the modern world is nowadays – You need to rescue each other.
Everyone meets the love of their life in different ways. Some might believe their prince did come in on a white horse and rescue them from their tower, but, theoretically speaking, a prince doesn’t just happen to walk into a tower without knowing about it first. The part that’s left out of the story is the section where the princess is seen by Prince Charming in her tower window or that she let down her hair for him to climb, without which the prince would never have been able to rescue her in the first place.

But enough about these fairy tale analogies, this is real life. In life, there are two heroes, and they save each other. It’s almost impossible to be saved unless you call for help. In this case, the “help” is merely a duck call. The more we wait the more we waste. No prince has ever gone out on a stroll, randomly came across a tower and assumed there was someone in there waiting to be rescued. You want to find love? Stop waiting and start exploring the kingdom because, trust me, there are plenty of would-be princes searching for you. That’s a better way to spend your time.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?
Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
Like us on Facebook:

Gay Dating: Are We More Than Just Friends?

QUESTION: I have been out of the dating scene for 10 years after having been in a long-term relationship for that length and it has since ended. I find it difficult being back on the singles’ market. I currently find myself in a strange situation; I have met a guy through the Internet. On our “first date”, I set the context of our encounter by saying that I thought from having left a long-term relationship that it was important for me to be friends and to be interdependent rather than codependent as was my previous experience. So now seven weeks have passed, we’ve been on a number of dates, but haven’t kissed. I am waiting for him to make a move. I’m fearful and I don’t want to ruin anything if it is meant to be a friendship, although I would like more. How long is too long to know someone before “stepping things up” and how do you decipher whether it’s a friendship or if there’s potential for a relationship?
Yes, it can be quite a difficult challenge when transitioning back into the dating scene after having been in a long-term relationship for the length that you were involved in. Feeling rusty and out of practice, it can be overwhelming navigating through those waters again, particularly with the difficulties inherent in finding compatible matches. Not only this, you’re likely still going through a grieving process over the loss of your 10-year relationship even though you initiated the breakup. So my first bit of advice to you is to relax and breathe! There’s no rush and it’s a process you have to go through. Becoming preoccupied with the dating challenges will only serve to frustrate you and create more angst and desperation that could sabotage your efforts to find healthy dating partners.

Being new to the scene again and wanting “to do it right the first time around” is commendable and it sounds like you’ve done your homework by realizing the importance of pacing and taking things slow. There does need to be a balance with this, however, otherwise many men will perceive a lack of interest if the signals aren’t expressed that you’re interested. This new guy you’re dating sounds like someone you’re intrigued with and would like to see developing into more than “just friends.” While going slow is important, you want to beware of over-thinking it and communicating it too much to the guy you’re seeing. My concern is that it’s possible your guy may have interpreted your statement on the first date of being friends and interdependent as a barrier you put up towards getting close. Try to be mindful of ways you may be projecting your past relationship mistakes onto new dating encounters. It’s important in the early stages of dating that you make the contacts light and gradually build in more self-disclosure as you screen the person to determine their suitability; this way, your disclosures match the level of intimacy that’s developed in your progressive meetings with your new dating partner. It’s possible your statements may have come across as “too heavy” and your guy may have interpreted what you said in such a way that now your relationship with him is defined as purely a friendship because that may be what he thought you were surmising. After two months with no movement, that may be the case. But don’t fret, my friend! All is not lost! It’s also very possible that he, too, shares your interest, but is waiting for you to make the first move because of what you said and he’s letting you be in control of the pacing since you expressed the need initially.

If you’re truly interested in cultivating a relationship beyond friendship with him, then the only way to accomplish this is for you to take the lead and directly express your interest and desires either verbally or through a kiss or some other affectionate gesture that breaks away from the purely “friendship behaviors” that have been exhibited thus far. Only you can decide if that’s what’s right for you; but if you do choose to let him know how you truly feel, I’d do it quickly! Don’t let anymore time pass by! The more time that the two of you invest in each other functioning as you are now, the more your relationship will be defined as “just friends” because any romantic chemistry that existed will diminish over time and he will only view you through the lens of being a pal.

It’s not easy taking the initiative and putting yourself in a position of risk. You will need to decide if he matches your personal requirements for a partner thus far and if the benefits of making your feelings known outweigh the potential costs of making yourself vulnerable. And when you’re dating, let things evolve naturally and address the issues as they come. It’s important to have boundaries, but try to avoid setting them up so high that there’s no way to let a relationship grow. Being friends and having separate identities are extremely important for the health of a partnership, so you’re right on for identifying these values as prime for you. But rather than “throwing it all out on the table” within the first few dates by communicating that, perhaps just pace the speed of how things are going by expressing your needs and feelings as they come in the various situations you’ll find yourself in. Your guy will get the hint. For example, if you’ve gone out on a few dates with someone and he starts giving you hints that he wants to have sex, you could say something like, “I really like you a lot, but I’d like to take things a little slower and get to know each other better first. I’m really attracted to you though, just please be patient.” Hone your flirting skills, pay attention to body language and eye contact, and assess the guys’ responsiveness to you as clues to a dating partners’ interest. And even when going slow, it’s still important to throw signals of attraction and interest to keep the fires burning and to keep each other validated.

I wish you luck with this! What do you really want from this guy…a friend or a potential boyfriend? Whatever you decide, go for it and address any fears that may be holding you back. Be the chooser, be assertive! And no matter what happens, the one thing that won’t change is that a friendship has already been established and that’s one more person to add to your support network. My fingers are crossed for you!

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?
Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
Like us on Facebook: