Talking with Your Partner about Sexual Matters

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Many of us spend a lot of time and energy hoping to find Mr. Right. We also imagine that when we find him, the sex will always and automatically be fabulous. When we first meet someone new, we often feel so much passion that the specifics of what we are doing don’t matter all that much.

Sooner or later the novelty starts to wear off and we find ourselves wishing he would do things a little differently. Or maybe this guy is wonderful in just about every way…except for your connection in bed. What do you do?
You’ve got a right to express your desires. Getting most of your wants and needs met is important in a relationship. Still, effective communication in the bedroom is different from talking about other stuff. It’s one thing to have your partner tell you that he doesn’t approve of the way you stack dishes in the dishwasher; it’s quite another to hear that he doesn’t care for the way you do oral sex.

In intimate matters our hearts are closer to the surface. Feelings get bruised more easily. Handled poorly, he ends up feeling incompetent as a lover and you feel like a cad. This is not the way to get what you want in bed!

One thing to keep in mind is that for most of us, our lover is the scariest person in the world. If you are having casual nookie with someone and he doesn’t like what you are doing, it’s generally no big deal. It’s very different with a lover. Truth is, you probably care about what he thinks of you more than you care about anyone else’s opinion. If you aren’t pleasing him you can find yourself feeling pretty upset with yourself. Your partner is scary to you not because he’s a bad guy, but because you are invested in him and really care what he thinks.
It is important to understand that you cannot read his mind and he can’t read yours. You may feel absolutely certain you know what he’s thinking – what feels good to him, what turns him on – but you don’t know for certain unless he tells you. Believing that your partner would know what you like “if he really loved you” is to set yourself up for big disappointments.

Ask him if he likes what you are doing. Better yet, stop what you are doing and whisper the question in his ear. Make your question sexy. Instead of clinically asking his preference for something, try doing your best and then cooing “do you like that?”
If you would really like your lover to try doing something differently, be sweet in the way that you ask. Keep it positive. “Oh baby, I’d love it even more if you did this….” Then show him what you want. Smile, be encouraging and don’t require perfection from him. When you find your partner doing something that you like, let him know. This isn’t about faking an orgasm; it’s more about letting your pleasure be big and obvious enough so that you are sharing it with him. When we share our pleasure with someone we care about, the pleasure often becomes bigger still.

If the two of you have a serious problem to talk about, keep it out of the bedroom. Have the discussion elsewhere at a time and in a place where you can give each other your undivided attention. Keep the bedroom reserved for lovemaking and sleeping.
Want to try something new? Exploring new interests with a partner can be lots of fun. It also requires sensitivity from each of you. Trying a new erotic activity can feel a little awkward at first, but broadening your sexual repertoire can keep things interesting. Don’t rush. Don’t laugh at your partner – even if he sounds funny saying “Who’s your Daddy?” (Laughing at yourself is OK.)

Finally, keep in mind that it is that it is in your best interest to help your partner feel like a great lover. Psychologists understand that punishing a behavior decreases how often it occurs while rewarding a behavior increases it’s frequency. Makes sense, doesn’t it? So don’t punish your partner by criticizing the way he makes love. Doing that may make him uninterested in sex with you at all, resulting in a serious case of bed death.

Let him know he’s a great lover and you’ll make it much more likely that he will keep his interest in sex with you. Make some noise when you make love to give him clues about what you are experiencing. Tell him you love it when he does something you like. Compliment him on the way he looks, on how sexy you find him. Look at him with the eyes of a lover, not a critic. Even if you wish he would spend more time at the gym, there are probably many things you can compliment him about.

Let him know you appreciate him sexually – not in a demanding or manipulative way, but in a genuine way that helps him understand your attraction to him.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

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How Being Versatile in Bed Is a Way of Life

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As gay men, we are classified into different groups. Hell, not just gay men, but humans in general. We like to divide ourselves with labels. In our culture, there is no label more important than one’s sexual position. You can be a top, bottom, versatile, versatile-top, versatile-bottom, total top, power bottom and so on. I completely understand the need to have these labels, but why do they dictate how some of us act?

I’ve had an unconventional journey to my sexual label. My first and second sexual experiences were as a bottom; they were ridiculously awful, so naturally I became a top. During my time as a complete top, I found myself playing some type of role. I put on this façade of what a top was supposed to be. I wasn’t particularly unhappy, just a little tired. Then I got into a relationship that encouraged me to explore myself sexually. After nearly nine months into our relationship, I finally gave the bottom thing another try. Now I’m fully versatile.
Having gone to an area of sex where nothing (position-wise) is off limits, now it’s hard for me to imagine people who refuse to do so. I’ve heard stories of tops that ignore the bottom’s dick and bottoms that want them to; or how about the guy who says he is a top, but has never tried to experience being a bottom? How about the top that doesn’t want you to touch his ass, or the bottom that never gets to orgasm? Is that really fulfilling?

Although this might be an ignorant statement, I perceive strict top/bottom relationships to be a sad mirror of heterosexual relationships. The top has to be dominating because he is the “man,” while the bottom remains submissive because he’s the “woman.” I’ve even heard of this concept going outside of the bedroom; the bottom feels it’s his duty to cook and clean. 
As a versatile man who wants a man, this whole concept is truly unappealing.
Maybe versatile guys are just naturally freakier, or maybe it’s all about openness and willingness. Granted, some people just simply don’t like it. But a huge majority of strict tops don’t like the feeling of being dominated because it makes them feel less of man.

I’ve been told that fully versatile people don’t exist or that people find them confusing. I laughed at that because I feel the same way about strict tops and bottoms. Sexually, if you like it, I love it. But our community will be a whole lot better if we removed the rules, and the stigma that comes along with these titles. If you’re a top, you don’t have to automatically be the one paying for the dates. Likewise, if you’re a bottom, it’s not your duty to fix his plate. We are not in the 50s; we are all men and we should all be equal. We have to stop letting these titles wear us. Your sexual desire shouldn’t have to conform to what you think your position is. Your sexual title shouldn’t dictate what you’re allowed to enjoy in bed. Sexual stereotypes are exhausting and unnecessary. If you ask five different tops the same question, you’re sure to get five different answers.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

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Gay 101: How to be a Better Bottom

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Bottoming is just as much fun as Topping, and if done right can be the gateway to sensual delights man hath not even dreamed of. There are always new ways in which you can be a better bottom. As a versatile boy I get the best of both worlds and I want to share with you some of the tricks that I have picked up during my shenanigans.

Before we continue any further we need to get the uncomfortable stuff out of the way. It may be yucky to think about but there is no point proceeding any further without having first discussed “preparation”. Lots of people avoid talking about this part and yet funnily enough it is the thing I get asked about the most. Getting yourself ready to bottom is important both for your comfort and peace of mind. It will be impossible to relax if you are worrying about having an “accident”.
The subject of douching is something that lots of Gay boys avoid and lets face it, it’s not a topic often covered in regular conversation. But every good bottom should know what it is. Basically douching is the process of cleaning out your insides. Usually it involves some kind of variation on a squirt bottle or hose inserted in to the anus. Water is then used to flush out any material leaving your insides clean. It might seem a bit icky, but when you consider the alternative it’s worth it.

Whether you are using a douche purchased from a sex shop, or a bottle of mineral water. You will need to insert the nozzle into your hole and being careful not to let water spill everywhere, squirt as much warm water as is comfortable up there. Do NOT use soap or any other kind of chemical or fragrance.
Hold the water in there for about 20 seconds. You can rub your stomach gently or jump up and down a few times if you want, then sit on the toilet and purge.
Repeat the process until the water comes out clear.
Shower, relax and  you are ready to star in your own Gangbang video.
You will know your body and how it reacts. Sometimes it’s quick and easy, others times not so much. Also be careful not to over do it and give yourself the runs (disgusting I know but worth mentioning ). Try to allow at least an hour before sex to let everything settle down again.
There, icky stuff done, now on to the fun stuff. Whether you are bottoming for the first time or you are more experienced here are some tricks I have picked up that you might be interested in.


Position.

Position is important and if your Top is not driving the situation then don’t be afraid to move around and get him where you want to go. Starting by sitting on top of him is a good way to begin if you are having trouble relaxing or experiencing pain. If you are on top you can control the angle and depth until you have loosened up enough to change positions.


Find a good lube.

Lube is important and a bad lube can ruin a hot session just as easily as forgetting to douche. Don’t be sucked in by cheap generics. If you are going to enjoy yourself then get the good stuff. Remember lube doesn’t just help him slide it in, it also helps him slide out and in and out and in and out and in. Everyone has a favorite, personally I like the silicon based Swiss Navy, if find the water based stuff tends to dry out and get sticky.


Move it, grind it, bounce it.

Moving around is important. Don’t be a starfish. One thing that drives a lot of Tops crazy is when the bottom pushes back to meet his thrusts. Don’t be afraid to be a little bit aggressive. If going doggy style arch your back to make your ass really pop, it also makes it easier for the Top to access you and  helps prevent those frustrating slip outs.
Grinding your hips is another great trick. If you are sitting on top and you grind it just right you can hit your prostate and clench your ass muscles at the same time to drive your Top nuts! Once the heat turns up and you are feeling in the swing of things go for the bounce but be careful not to go too far or too fast. Coming down too hard or letting him slip out is a sure way to cause an injury. Alternate the grind and bounce for a real treat.


Scratch, bite and moan.

You have arms… use them. Run your nails down his back ( gently, we aren’t getting all Wolverine on him… yet ), pull him into you to show him you want it. Nibble on his ear, neck and arms, be gentle, it’s not a Twilight rerun. If you like something the easiest way to let a guy know is to moan, softly, loudly, whatever…  you will know what’s appropriate.


Grooming.

Keeping things neat and tidy down there will help keeps things running smoothly. You don’t have to be hairless, every top will have their own preference. Try to avoid shaving right before sex though. Apart from the health risks of cuts, stubble can also cause chaffing to your Tops equipment while causing ingrown hairs and stubble rash to you. A good lube helps avoid this but it’s worth mentioning.


It’s sex, not porn.

If you are new to Sex and to Bottoming remember that Sex is fun but it is also messy and awkward at times. The best thing is to know your limits and approach it with a sense of humor. Sure double penetration looks hot on Corbin Fisher but it’s probably not something you want to try for your first time. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if you can’t take it like a porn star then you are no good. Focus on what you find pleasurable and on what your partner enjoys and you can’t really go wrong.

There is a lot more that I haven’t covered but I think half the fun is discovering it all for yourself. Get out there and play safe!

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Selfish Lovers and Unsatisfied Partners

You love your boyfriend more than anything and can’t imagine life without him. Things are generally good between you…except when it comes to sex. You hate to admit it, but it’s just not satisfying to you. He’s a bit selfish in bed, wanting you to do all of the work to please him, which you don’t mind since you enjoy his body.
But when it comes to your turn, he’s less than enthusiastic about returning the favor. To quote Samantha Jones, “Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing.” And that’s exactly how you’re starting to feel – sex with him is a job. You don’t want to break up or get your sexual needs met elsewhere, so what do you do?

Start by understanding what you want and need sexually.
Sex is a natural part of life and a basic human need to express sexuality. Through sex, we express pleasure, intimacy, emotions, vulnerability and connection. Some people choose to experience all of these during a sexual act, while others are only concerned with one or two of them.
When we have an no-strings-attached hookup, for example, we may only be interested in fulfilling our desire for physical pleasure, while sex with our boyfriend could be less about the physical pleasure and more about the emotional connection formed during the act.
Some people are perfectly happy to service their partner without any expectation of reciprocity, while others may want a more balanced scale.

“Let your boyfriend know
what pleasure feels like to you.”

The question is what desire do you want fulfilled when you have sex with your boyfriend? If you are dissatisfied with the sex for any reason, then that is a good indication your needs are not being met. With a clear picture of what you do want sexually, you can now step back and compare and contrast how the sex is matching up to these needs.

Now you have the proper framework for discussing this.
Be curious and find out what he wants sexually, and don’t be surprised if it’s different than what you want. He is a different person, after all. Then see where your needs and his needs match. From this point forward, it’s all about communication and compromise as two human beings search for common ground.
If you are both open and honest about what you want and need, then you will certainly find some middle ground. And, more importantly, it will break down even more barriers between you two and create more intimacy as each of you become more comfortable with being vulnerable and communicating what you truly need.
You have both consciously entered into a relationship with each other, so (at least on some level) you both want to please each other. Let your boyfriend know what that pleasure looks and feels like to you, and then listen carefully to how it looks and feels to him.
Who knows, perhaps the sex will transform into something better than either of you could have imagined!





Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?
 
Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

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SexxxPerTease Episode 30: "What Race Has It Hardest In The Gay Community?"

What ethnicity faces the most discrimination in the gay community? Find out my take on gay racism in the latest episode of SexxxPerTease! Send me more dating/sex/relationship related questions…

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