Take The Hit: Getting Over Your Fear of Rejection

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Rejection hurts, but it’s the ‘fear’ of rejection that makes it hurt worse. If you want more dating success, you have to learn to take the hit.
For some reason, single gay men everywhere are becoming less confident about making the first move when they see an attractive man giving them the eye. But what truly is the cause?
For a lot of guys in the gay community, it’s hard to compete when there’s so many hot people around. Often times we think we’re not good enough or are afraid of embarrassing ourselves. After all, “keeping it cool” is a major strategy we use when trying to make a good impression. But the truth of the matter is, these fears are only imaginary voices inside our heads. Many times, they’ve been created by either our own insecurities or unfortunate incidents we have yet to heal from.
In order for you to rid yourself of this habit, it’s crucial to give yourself a life review. Go for a walk. Try to remember as far back as you can. Be the detective in tracking down the root of the cause. Once you’re staring at it directly in the face, it becomes much less existent in your life. Trust me, the first step is to find and uncover your own diagnosis. Here’s a few points that might help you along the way:

Rejection Only Hurts as Much as You Allow it to
Here’s why rejection hurts so much: it’s because you give it meaning. You give it power to affect you because you decide how important it is to you. How much rejection hurts is directly proportional to how much emotional investment you have in that rejection.

The “Voices” In Your Head
Insecurity and fear manifest themselves through voices in our head. “He’s totally out of my league” or “He probably has a boyfriend” or “He’d never be interested” or “What if he thinks I’m pathetic?” are all common statements we typically tell ourselves, either consciously or subconsciously.
Many times these voices feel different, sound different, and appear at different times. This is because they’re spawned from different memories within your life, and each circumstance you’re in is probably reflective of that associated trauma. Take it as a hint. Somewhere down the road, have you been tricked into thinking that most attractive guys are out of your league? Does something about this moment feel like déjà vu? Use this as an attempt to find the root of the problem.
These voices inside our head aren’t just holding us back from meeting a potential mate, they also can act as a great tool in deciding if someone’s worth the effort. Knowing that these voices are hidden insecurities and fear, imagine the feeling you get when someone is constantly saying to you, “You’re out of my league.” This, reversely, is how you would appear to them.

“Rejection” Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Good Enough
First of all, let’s stop saying the word “rejection.” The definition of such a word means that someone discards or throws away something that isn’t up to their standards. Overtime, this way of thinking is obviously going to affect our self-worth.
Just because someone says no or is distant from your flirting efforts does not mean that you’re ugly, unworthy, or not good enough. Think about the psychology of it all. People listen to their intuition when they make these kinds of decisions. When someone is obviously detached from making any connection, no matter how hard you think you need to try, it’s really all up to them. So really, it’s their issue. Not yours.
People nowadays aren’t open to find love and are even less open when the opportunity presents itself. Just because someone isn’t making themselves available does not mean it’s your fault. They’re obviously being held down by their own issues. Instead, see it as an opportunity to be proud of yourself for making the move.

Not Everyone You See Is Your Future Husband
Another reason why we tend to beat ourselves up is because we throw all our eggs in one basket. We get so anxious before approaching people that before we even know their name, we’re already picking wedding dates. It’s unlikely the person you approach is as perfect as you think. Remember, they also go to the bathroom just like you – and it’s not pretty.
When you’re not trying, you are less nervous and more able to be yourself. Insecurity is smelled in the air when you’re around more confident people. And simply due to the fact that you’re the one initiating the flirting, the person you’re talking to will naturally be “more confident” just because they have less pressure at that given moment. This makes your desperation more potent. Never let the fear of rejection overshadow your genuine self.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

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Gay Advice: How to Turn Rejection Into Inspiration

I’ve never understood why people nowadays judge their value on how their relationships end: They weren’t broken up with, but were “dumped,” “tossed,” or “abandoned.” They were cheated on because they weren’t “good enough,” “sexy enough” or “interesting enough.” Gay men in particularly tend to take it to a whole other level since same sex marriage has been running the discussion across the world. When we’re committed, we’re “wanted”; but when we’re single… we’re “alone.”

Since DOMA was repealed, gay men my age started thinking a bit differently about relationships. Even if we were around same sex couples, the idea of marriage was always a bit distance. It was, after all, not a true reality at the time. Within a matter of weeks (since July 2013), the gay community entered a new enlightenment. Love looked different, felt different, and sounded different. Now that it was possible to have real marriage on paper, we felt like we needed to. Suddenly, we shifted our social perception of dating from “fun” to “required.” But have we depended too much on it to create our self-worth?
The end of a relationship doesn’t mean the end of the world. Some work, others don’t. In fact, you have more reason to celebrate when it doesn’t work than when it does. The more you filter, the more you learn; and the more you learn, the more you discover about yourself and men in general. The whole idea of dating is to know what works and what doesn’t. When it doesn’t feel right, congratulations, you now know what not to look for. If it does work, consider it an opportunity to relish in what that feels like (and remember to visit it often). Rejection, however, can be a whole other ball of wax.

I remember being a kid and loving my family dog more than anything. Her name was Sandy and she was a gorgeous cocker spaniel, but as much as I loved her it was clear she loved my sister more than me. She’d always go to her whenever she was near and was always happier to see her than me. I tried not to take it personally, but when you’re nine-years-old, how can you not? I saw this rejection as having to do with me; ultimately it started affecting my esteem.
Obviously owning a dog isn’t the same as having a boyfriend, but they both require us to judge our worth on mistranslation. Whenever someone seemingly “chooses” another person over you, we’re quick to say that we weren’t adequate enough for them; and nothing is worse than lacking the attention of someone you really care about. But the truth is no matter what they do, they have no affect on how you think of you. I’m sure if you focus on your feelings, you’ll realize that it was you who planted the seed in the first place. Most of the time, their “rejection” wasn’t a rejection at all.
Just because a relationship doesn’t work out doesn’t you aren’t good enough. You are an amazing person with a lot of love to give, but if a relationship is missing compatibility or a linear structure that benefits you both, it’s eventually going to crumble. In order for two people to be together long term, they must share common interests stretching beyond physical and sexual attraction. Goals, aspirations, morals and principles need to apply, and even though we try desperately to intertwine them, sometimes it just doesn’t mesh – that has everything to do with the relationship, and nothing to do with YOU.

Rejection isn’t rejection, but an opportunity to do better, be better, and know better. The end of a relationship isn’t a reminder that you’ll never be with someone or that you’re always going to end up heartbroken. In reality, breakups deliver more good than bad because they make us stronger and wiser to see beyond the complexity of what relationships are to see what they truly can be. You deserve to find your perfect match, but in order to find him you must first filter out the not-so-perfect ones. It’s called dating. Not everyone you meet is going to be your Prince Charming, and guess what, that’s how it’s supposed to be.




Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?
 
Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
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Gay Dating Advice with MR. James: How to deal with rejection

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