Prevent a Breakup: Mistakes Gay Men Make in Relationships

Straight, Gay, LGBT – We all want to have a great relationship but some of us just don’t know how to keep one. Here are some common mistakes Gay men make in relationships.

1. Open Relationships: While we may want to live interesting and experimental lives, the biggest mistake a Gay couple can make is having an open one. You would assume that what you have is enough to make it work, but when you feel like you need more than what you have, it borders problems. You and your partner risk the trouble of falling in love with someone else, having chemistry he might prefer over yours, or risk putting the whole relationship out to dry. While threesomes may be a bit more optional, Open relationships just don’t seem to be the way to go about things and is probably the number one reason Gay relationships don’t work. Sometimes when a relationship doesn’t work its time to move on. Don’t recycle something you’re not going to use again and use OPEN as an excuse.

2. Neediness: A common relationship mistake Gay men make is attaching themselves too much and too quickly. Even twins born together have their own ways of being independent. It is not your partner’s fault if you have had issues in the past with other people or family and it is not his job to pick up the pieces. While there is nothing wrong with loving hard, a Gay man must always learn to have his own voice, his own identity and his own life. If you worry too much about latching on, you run the risk of pushing your partner away.

3. Arguing: No relationship is perfect, and we all argue and disagree sooner or later. But arguing about everything can be very toxic. Stop using excuses about how “Strong” & “Independent” you are to win a fight. Respect boundaries, respect each other and respect space and opinions. While he may not say everything you want to hear, learn to listen and learn to understand. After all, you picked him right? Don’t say anything you’re going to regret later. Sometimes words hurt more than sticks and stones and sometimes saying things in the heat of the moment can result in losing someone you truly love. If it’s not important, let it go. If it’s something you can’t control, learn to vocalize your concerns and learn to keep it to the point. If you are hitting a brick wall, analyze your relationship and make a decision whether he is right for you. But never destroy your relationship with words.

4. Being With Someone For Comfort: (Money, Favors, Apartment) While there is no problem moving in with your boyfriend or sharing an account or money, there is a fine line between sharing and taking more than he wants to give. Don’t get in a relationship because you need stability and he’s your safety net. Learn to work for your own, earn your own and have your own things. There’s nothing worse than having a break-Up and you having to be out on the street because everything belongs to him. While some men may seem amazing at first, you quickly find out they may be using you as well. Be with someone because you love them, not because they can give you something of luxury.

5. Going to the club together: While many may disagree, this is probably the most common mistake a Gay man can make. A club is never a place to spend quality time with your boyfriend. While it may seem innocent and fun, Clubs involve alcohol and a bunch of hot guys (depending on what club you go to). And while you may say that your eyes are only for him, and his for you, there is a lot of distraction and a lot of men who are not afraid to flirt hardcore. Some men go to clubs just to find a man to fuck. If you are not there to hook up do not pretend like its for the music. Unfortunately, in the Gay community there are people who don’t respect what you have and while its all about trust, I don’t think you want to complicate it by having a guy shake his ass in front of you. A small bar or a more lounge upscale place is more convenient. You don’t have to worry about going to the bathroom and leaving your camera phone on.

6. Putting Your Relationship Status on Facebook: You might be that guy who feels like your boyfriend should definitely change his relationship status on FB to prove his love, but this may harm you more than it works for you. Why? Because you or your boyfriend may notice that your friend requests keep growing only because people want to know who this guy is. Some guys don’t care and will hit on your boyfriend even if it says In Relationship. Don’t ask me why they’re like this, but its a fact. Also, you may get upset when these sudden mutual friends leave innuendos or comments on your boyfriends timeline, assuming your stupid enough not to notice. While anyone would assume its all about trust, like the club, some men just have no respect or dignity. So some men are more attracted to what they can’t have or will do things to spite you. So prepare yourself. Sometimes its better to just not put up a relationship status to begin with and just trust your partner. Its up to you.

7. Not Allowing Your Boyfriend To Go Out With Friends: You’re his boyfriend not his master. The biggest mistake a Gay man can do is think he can control his boyfriend. While a lot of Gay couples don’t mind being on a leash and it works for them, some people just need space. This is where trust really comes in. If you feel like you can’t trust your boyfriend enough with any of his friends, then he’s not for you. A good boyfriend is suppose to make you feel secure and know that he is there for you not because you’re around. Same thing with Passwords and emails. If you can’t trust your boyfriend you don’t deserve him. He’s his own person and whether you like it or not, we’re in the real world. Unlike the club where you’re in a close capacity to horny drunk men, the world is full of different people, not all out to get your man. Learn to trust and to live your own life as well. Some things you can do together and some apart.

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Relationship Advice: We Love Each Other, But We Always Fight

Reader’s Question:
I’m 23 and have recently come out of the closet (although not completely yet!). I met a great guy and we’ve been in a relationship now for almost a year and a half. Unfortunately, it seems like we’ve lost the spark we had before and we can’t go a week without fighting. It’s really started to take a toll on us. I love him so much, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it anymore…what do I do?
― Ian

Dear Ian:
Thank you for writing and I’m sorry to hear that things have started to go sour with you and your boyfriend. Your dating relationship is still very young in its development and the two of you are still in the process of getting to know each other. This is a time for the two of you to have fun and experience each other in a variety of different contexts to determine if you are compatible with your interests, values, and vision for the future. The tension you’re feeling is likely occurring in response to clashes in the differences you share. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not a good fit for each other; it’s a signal for the two of you to examine what’s underneath the conflict. Why are you fighting and what about? What’s the purpose behind the arguments? What unmet needs are being expressed through your feuds?

It could be that you each share different value systems and priorities that oppose each other. It’s possible that one or both of you have intimacy issues that prevent the ability to get close and conflict becomes a way to keep a degree of distance. It’s also common for men who are newly “out” to lack knowledge of man-to-man relationship skills or are still struggling with their sexual identity and this can sabotage their efforts in maintaining relationship because of their lack of experience. The reasons for the conflict are endless, but your job is to pinpoint exactly what is at play with the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.
Make it a rule to discontinue discussions with each other when things get heated. When dialogues turn into yelling matches, nothing good can come from that. When either of you see things going in an unproductive direction, call a “Time Out” and leave the situation before your anger gets the best of you. Return at a later time to talk things out when you’re both calmer and able to converse with calmness and understanding. Make an appointment with each other to do this, otherwise you run the risk of not addressing your feelings and concerns and these will then convert to resentment.

It would be helpful for each of you to identify what your needs are in a partner and in a relationship. Take the focus off of what your guy is or isn’t doing and instead do a self-examination of who you are and what you stand for. What’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable with your needs? The two of you then need to discuss with each other these needs. A non-negotiable need is something that you absolutely must have or cannot have in a relationship for you to be able to be with that person. If your boyfriend has any characteristics that are reminiscent of a non-negotiable need for you, it is unlikely that you will be fulfilled with him. Your values are core to who you are and relationship success is predicated on both partners sharing common values and philosophies of life. If your boyfriend is unwilling to work with you on meeting your needs, and vice versa, it’s important not to invest any more emotional energy into trying to make something work that isn’t a good fit. If both of you are willing to try, I’d recommend enlisting the help of a trained therapist who specializes in gay relationships to help you guys learn how to be in relationship with each other.

So just remember that conflicts in relationships are normal and not necessarily a sign that you shouldn’t be together. Communication is critical if the two of you are going to overcome this rough patch. Make sure to have fun with each other and focus on the positives. I wish you the best with your situation! Good luck!

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

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Relationship Advice: Facing a Fear of Commitment


Ever read advice columns? I don’t think they could exist without letters from women dating guys who can’t commit. It’s almost a cliché: “Joe and I have been dating for 7 years now, and he still hasn’t asked me to marry him. What’s wrong?” Gay men are probably no different from other men in their level of comfort around intimacy. It’s quick and easy for some of us, while for others it seems to happen at the pace of a glacier moving south.

Why are some guys commitment-phobic? Some guys are selfish and immature and avoid the grown-up process of making choices that relationships require. Others panic at the thought of being trapped, even by someone they love. And others have no models for successful relationships; they expect things to stay shallow.

What makes these relationships so strange is that they often start so passionately. The guy who will ultimately run away is the first one to profess his love and devotion. In retrospect that may offer a clue: the pacing of the relationship seems off-kilter. He comes across as a big romantic – maybe even a little insecure in his desire to please and impress you.

Strangely, though, the relationship doesn’t seem to deepen in ways you might ordinarily expect. His life seems compartmentalized, and it’s not clear that you occupy many of those compartments. He seems less communicative. Things start to feel stagnant. He pays less attention; you feel ignored and resentful.

Relationships like this can go through multiple break-ups and reconciliations. (Sometimes the make-up sex seems especially hot.) There’s clearly an attachment of some sort – but not the one you wanted. It may take a long time to wake up to the reality that this relationship is going nowhere.

The boyfriend of the commitment-phobic guy may find that being with someone who holds him at arm’s length starts to take a toll on self-esteem after a while. What’s wrong with me? Do I expect too much? Am I some sort of codependent loser?

Ironically, you can avoid being trapped by guys like this by taking things slowly, letting things proceed one step at a time.  Too many people are too eager to pass over the period of dating called “getting to know one another” in a rush toward the comfort zone of “settling in together.” Pay attention to how involved you are in one another’s lives. How do the two of you communicate? Notice whether or not the relationship is deepening in ways that you would expect. Does he keep his word and follow-through on what he’s said he’s going to do?

Expressing your feelings and needs is important – then see how he responds. With men who are simply a little anxious about commitment, making it clear that the time is approaching to fish or cut bait may push them through their fear of intimacy. But if you’re dealing with someone who is never going to be able to give you what you want, better to make that decision sooner rather than later. Breaking up isn’t going to hurt less if you wait around another unfulfilling year or two.

If you’re the one with a fear of commitment, start by committing to tell the truth about what’s going on inside. Be direct, not manipulative. Recognize your anxiety and learn to deal with it in ways that are authentic.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

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The Right Time for Love: Starting a New Relationship


Starting a new relationship can feel a bit disorienting. At first everything is exciting; this is what you’ve always wanted, right? Months or years – seems like a lifetime – of dating, and all of a sudden here he is! What’s next?

Relationships require care and encouragement and it helps to get things started on the right foot. Perhaps your first thought is, “so when do we start living together?” Whoa – slow down.  Most of us know guys who went home from the bar together the night they first met, and one of them basically never went home. Other couples have been together for years, but find it more agreeable to keep separate households.

Take time to find out what the right rhythm is for each of you. If your tendency in the past has been to make a commitment like moving in with someone after only a few weeks only to find that the relationship never should have happened, make a commitment to yourself that this time you are going to wait at least six months before combining your CD collections. What’s the rush?

Part of dating is trying to make a positive impression – being thoughtful, considerate, romantic. Those are good things in a relationship, too, but face it – if he hangs around, your lover is going to see you at times other than when you are on top of your game. 

Allowing your partner to see you at times when you aren’t your best – when things haven’t gone well at work or you’ve had a painful conflict with your crazy family – isn’t stuff you would usually recommend for a first date. But being yourself in good times and bad is the way he’ll get to know you and the way the bonds of intimacy will deepen between you.

If you let your partner see you warts and all, he’ll probably show you his less-attractive stuff as well. It can be a little startling seeing Mr. Right’s flaws. 

Don’t think you can change your partner. The start of a relationship offers a great opportunity to learn all about his eccentricities: the way he mispronounces that particular word of his, or his curious need to keep his checkbook in perfect balance.

See if you can practice just noticing rather than criticizing. Who is this peculiar creature that now shares your life?  Promise yourself you won’t nit-pick these little things. Learn to relax and laugh at yourself and your reactions to these little things. Criticism and nagging aren’t going to get you off on the right foot.

Some men handle intimacy easier than others. Intimacy requires us to let down our guard and become more open and vulnerable. The trouble is, most men have learned from an early age that making yourself letting down your defenses is a stupid thing to do because you’re likely to get hurt. This makes closeness a real challenge for guys, even if it’s what we most want. You really care about what this guy thinks of you, and the temptation is to try to look good rather than be genuine.

One of the secrets of relationships is that if the relationship is a healthy one, we actually become safer in it by lowering our defenses. Our partner responds to our openness with more openness of his own, or we learn that the blemish that we worried would cause him to run away turns out to be no big deal. 

Nurturing new relationships takes time and effort. Let’s look at two uncomfortable issues that can come up: arguments and sexual interest.

Perhaps you’re home with Mr. Right and you have your first argument. Nothing too serious, but it’s hard not to feel unsettled. What’s going on here?
A piece of advice many couples have found works for them is: never go to bed angry. Stay with the argument until it gets resolved instead. Conflict can make you anxious when a relationship is new, but don’t shy away from speaking your mind.

Relationships where one or both partners avoid showing their true feelings in disputes with one another are relationships that aren’t going to last.

See if you can let your partner express what he’s feeling upset about without getting defensive.

Acknowledge that you’ve heard what he’s saying; if you think he’s right, say so. If you think he’s off base, let him know. Understand that relationships require compromise. The optimal outcome isn’t likely to be your partner unconditionally surrendering because you’ve out-argued him; the best outcome is going to be something that leaves each of you feeling well-heard and respected, and the issue in question moved toward resolution.

Maybe the biggest mistake partners make is believing “I know what he is thinking.” You don’t – at least not until you ask him. You think his lack of interest in sex last night meant he’s getting bored; maybe it just means he’s tired.

Don’t make assumptions. Ask your partner what he’s thinking or feeling.

In fact, taking a few minutes regularly each week to check in is great practice that can deepen relationships. Even ten minutes apiece to ask one another, “How are you this week?” can lead to better mutual understanding, greater closeness and more opportunity for intimacy.

Another difficult issue for couples moving beyond the newlywed stage is sexual interest. When you are dating, sex with your new boyfriend feels pretty special. After a while you will get to know every hair and freckle on your partner’s body, and the novelty of sex will wear off.

Life’s other demands can crowd out lovemaking. Most of us aren’t all that eager for sex after working long hours and knowing we’ve got another exhausting day ahead of us tomorrow. Throw in household chores and a hundred other distractions and sex can get pretty stale before you know it.

It may feel unromantic to schedule date night together, but doing penciling it in your schedule is a lot more romantic than watching another week go by without making enough time for one another.

Some couples create routines or rituals that work for them: Friday nights are strictly for the two of them, no intrusions permitted, or Tuesday evenings are the night to cook a special dinner together rather than rely on the usual quick meal after work.

Keeping sex passionate requires paying attention.

When you are first together, the sex may be so hot it’s hard to believe things will every cool down – but they probably will. The frequency of lovemaking often slows down after a few months, but the satisfaction both partners receive from sex can increase as they learn more about how to turn one another on.
Take time to start your relationship off on the right foot and you’ll like the results.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
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Men make these mistakes all to often and results in failed relationships. MEN! If you want to save your relationship, doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straigh…

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