19 Things Straight People Think Are Totally Gay

Dessert? Recycling?? Hygiene??? Face masks????

Who knew?!?!? But because toxic masculinity and homophobia still plague the world to this day, this isn’t the only thing people seem to think are “gay…”

We knew straightness had a lot of totally normal, not oppressive at all regulations and guidelines, but in this day and age, it can be very hard to keep up with them! There’s just so many! So as a handy-dandy guide for all the manly alpha macho males out there, here are some things you’ll probably want to avoid! (Unless, of course, you want people thinking you’re some kind of gay.)

Mysterious monoliths

Yes, you read that correctly. A small group of Trump supporters in California felt the need to take down one of those many mysterious monoliths that keep popping up all over the world because they believe “Christ is king” and that these objects are “pagan monuments” and “gay.” The group live-streamed themselves taking down a monolith in Atascadero, California, and replacing it with a cross. Now, clips of the stream (which are filled with homophobic and racist language) are making the rounds on the internet, reports The San Luis Obispo Tribune. 

Wearing face masks

Face masks have been proven to help in the fight against the spread of COVID-19, but apparently, according to people who still subscribe to toxic beliefs about gender, they also make you “unmanly.” 

“Might as well carry a purse with that mask, Joe,” Fox Nation host and right-wing pundit Tomato Lasagna Tomi Lahren quote tweeted a video Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Biden shared urging people to wear masks during the ongoing, global pandemic, insinuating that it is somehow feminine to wear a mask and to protect yourself and others from a virus that has already claimed over 210,000+ lives in the United States this year alone.

Ordering dessert

We know there’s a lot of things that mean a person is gay (having a physical, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to someone of the same sex being the primary and most obvious thing), but did you know that one of those things includes something as mundane as…ordering dessert?? Yup, according to these bizarre tweets, straight, macho, alpha manly men eat MEALS only! 

Eating breakfast

Okay, while we admit brunch is very, very gay, the simple act of eating breakfast at the start of your day shouldn’t be a threat to a straight man’s sexuality!!! It’s healthy to eat a good, balanced breakfast every morning!! WTF!

Using facial products and/or having good hygiene

Apparently it’s not acceptable for straight men to have a daily hygiene regimen and use facial products (unless it’s called something ridiculous and manly like “War Paint”). Only gays do that! 

Recycling

According to research reported in 2019, one of the biggest reasons so many men don’t recycle or participate in other eco-friendly practices is that they are fraid of having their sexuality questioned by other for doing so……….

Looks like toxic masculinity is going to take us AND the entire ozone layer down with it!!

Leaning

Stop leaning on things and/or other people, fellas! Stand up STRAIGHT! LIke a real man!

Eating crab legs

Delicious, delectable, buttery crab meat? Sounds fruity to me! 

Watching the sunset

Wow, the setting sun is so pretty, bro!!! No homo, though.

Sitting cross-legged

Get with the program, dude. Criss-cross applesauce is for girls only! Duh! 

Napping

Gentlemen of the world, stop napping! Work through your tiredness like a REAL man! *eye-roll*

Wiping and cleaning your derriere

This one was almost too hard to believe, but a poor woman actually did have to vent to We Hunted the Mammoth writer David Futrell about how her grown, adult husband doesn’t like to clean or wipe his behind because “a real man doesn’t go in between his cheeks or spread them open for anything.”

SO GROSS.

Talking to your significant other

Yup, real guys never talk about their emotions and feelings to their close loved ones. 

Liking flowers

A mom had to take to Reddit to ask for advice on what to do with her fragile husband who thinks things like liking flowers, bananas, books, and light (yes, light) is a sign their infant son is gay. (We literally can’t make this stuff up!!!)

Drinking water with lemon in it

According to this cursed tweet, asking for lemon in your water is a “womanly” thing for men to do and should be avoided. (I guess tap water is fine, though.)

Strong Women

According to this one man’s logic, men who want to be with strong women are gay becuase masculine, manly, macho men should only want to be with submissive women…..

This cursed screenshot of a Tweet is not only homophobic, but also extremely misognyistic, which is a combo we all absolutely HATE to see. *sigh* 

Having sex with women

Yup, you read that right. It’s time to add “straight men having sex with women” to the ever-growing list of things that makes people gay……

“Any man who has an obscene amount of sex with a high number (of) women consistently over years is a potential undercover gay man,” Twitter user @LadeIsPower ridiculously theorized. “Being a nympho/deviant is the gateway to homosexuality. It’s why a lot of these rappers are gay. Eventually, you get so tired of (expletive) you begin to ‘explore.'”

Will the clownery ever end???

Tweeting

We have no clue what this person’s logic was, but apparently, men who tweet are now “lowkey gay.” Considering Twitter has over 330 million active, global users, that must mean there’s a lot of gay people out there!  

Ordering a milkshake

According to one Twitter user’s logic, a man who enjoys a sweet, delicious, frozen concoction of ice cream and milk makes him gay… (We WISH we were making this up…)

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Check out the original story here: PRIDE.

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