Dating can be an elusive activity, particularly in the gay community where no roadmap was offered to us during our socialization as kids on how to negotiate man-to-man intimate relationships.
Left to our own devices, many of us have stumbled trying to figure out the best method for snagging our Mr. Right, only to be frustrated with our efforts when the guy never calls back, we can’t seem to find him in the first place, or he ended up not being who he originally claimed himself to be.
And that’s the purpose of this column here…to help you build some skills and strategies for enhancing your dating life to maximize your success with meeting and maintaining relationships with compatible men on your quest for finding a partner for life.
One of the most common questions I get is, “How do I make myself more attractive so that I’ll yield better results with men?” This article will address some key elements to helping you improve your game.
As you’ll see, it’s much more about attitude and approach than anything else, as well as ensuring you’re attracting the right kind of attention as “quality” of prospects is more important than “quantity,” and you also want to make sure you’re gaining the attention of relationship-minded men.
So on with the countdown of factors that will heighten your “Sexiness Quotient” in the dating jungle!
1. Utilizing good social etiquette.
This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s amazing how people dismiss the importance of those basic social skills that are prerequisites for successful relating.
This means having good manners, making sure to say “Please” and “Thank you,” and being chivalrous with your date. There is nothing sexier! It communicates respect, refinement and maturity.
In the online world, this seems to have gone out the window altogether! Another aspect of this involves behaving with integrity, doing what you say you’re going to do and being consistent with this over the long haul.
2. Having solid communication skills.
This is an area many men struggle with, and a whole course could be devoted to this!
This entails having knowledge and well-honed execution of conversation skills, being able to express thoughts and feelings directly and assertively, being an active listener and learning how to validate and attend to your dating prospect.
Making sure your words match your body language, as well as feeling comfortable with authentic flirting can make all the difference here!
3. Practicing the fine art of courtship.
Whoa! Pull back on the reins and slow things down a bit! One of the most sabotaging behaviors in new dating relationships is to rush things too quickly. This is no easy feat, particularly with all the excitement and raging hormones and chemistry that goes along with a new infatuation.
After finally meeting someone with whom you click with and believe might be a good match after all the previous disappointments you’ve experienced, it can be very easy to prematurely rush the relationship to advanced stages of intimacy (like having sex early on or disclosing too much personal information too soon) before a foundation of trust and security has been established to sustain potential challenges that might be faced.
Let the relationship evolve naturally and, to use an old-fashioned term, “court him.” One of the big aphrodisiacs of relationships is mystery and intrigue…so keep him on his toes and learn how to pace things, inspire desire and romance him.
There’s plenty of time for commitment once you’re sure it’s truly right.
4. Appearance matters.
While this may be a controversial factor, the truth of the matter is that the majority of men are visual creatures and will initially be drawn to your physical aesthetics. But you don’t have to be an Adonis!
The great thing about attraction is that it doesn’t necessarily discriminate. Turn-ons vary by individual and there’s no set standard on what’s appealing to everyone, no matter how hard society and the gay community tries to glamorize certain looks as being the preference.
And remember that no matter how good looking someone is, a negative and arrogant demeanor can immediately kill the buzz he may have initially generated.
Being sexy is more attitude than appearance. Doing your best to look good (exercise, nutrition, clothing, etc.) is definitely an asset, but other components are also needed to round out your presentation to spark interest in admirers.
Personality, self-confidence and charm always makes for a great package.
“There is nothing sexier than a
man who knows what he wants.”
5. Positivity counts!
Another sexy quality to possess is positivity. This means demonstrating a playful spirit, open-mindedness, receptivity and adventurousness.
How many dates have you had where the guy spent most of the time complaining, whining and sharing dating horror stories? Not sexy!
This gives the impression of pessimism and depression that can be a real downer and can cause a bolt reaction from your dating prospect.
Life can be hard enough sometimes, so most people like to surround themselves with others who are upbeat, uplifting and who can make them laugh.
Incorporate these aspects into your repertoire, and you’ll be signaling a “You’re going to want to get to know me” vibe.
6. Having self-confidence and strong self-esteem.
There is nothing sexier than a man who knows what he wants and carries himself with self-assuredness and command.
This can be a particularly difficult achievement to claim if your past contains a variety of experiences in which you were belittled, hurt and made to feel “less than” since these situations become internalized in the personality and can be difficult to shake.
However, you do have the power to eradicate the strengths these negative thoughts and beliefs have over you.
Persistently challenging negative self-talk, replacing it with affirmative thoughts, seeing a therapist or a coach who can help you learn how to arrive at a greater self-concept, and learning how to take risks to accomplish your goals can all help.
7. Being physically and emotionally available.
It’s difficult to cultivate a satisfying long-term relationship with someone if you’re never around to spend time with him.
Sexy means being attentive to your guy, carving space out of your busy life to ensure he feels like a priority and making sure to build enough shared experiences together as a couple to begin laying the foundation of intimacy and trust that will help establish your history and connectivity as partners.
Have you ever been in the situation where you meet this great new guy and he never seems to have time to get together, or at best only makes the effort to see you intermittently?
Take note of this! He’s sending you some very important information about where a relationship ranks in his priorities or about how organized he is with time management.
This characteristic also means spending time to address any “unfinished business” you may have from your past or actively dealing with current life stressors or emotional issues that may distract from your ability to be present and invested in your budding new romance.
You always want to put your best foot forward and demonstrate that you have a good head on your shoulders, have your life together and are ready to invite someone special into your heart without any competing forces to complicate the process.
8. Being “out & proud!”
While “coming out” about your sexual identity is a very personal decision and is a choice every gay man must make for himself, it has been shown that being “out of the closet” makes for a less complicated and more freeing lifestyle when it comes to relationship functioning and happiness.
This is because you’re able to be more uninhibited, spontaneous and flexible in expressing your true self, and this combats the negative consequences and shame that comes with living in secrecy and concealing a double life (health costs, low self-esteem, hyper-vigilance about being “found out”).
Studies have shown that two men of similar degrees of “outness” tend to fare better together than those from opposite ends of the spectrum.
While this doesn’t mean you have to wave a rainbow flag everywhere you go, it does require confidence and advocacy for your right to be gay and proud.
“Your identity is defined by so much
more than just your relationship status.”
9. If you snooze, you lose.
Similar to our discussion about confidence, this characteristic of sexiness entails being a “go-getter” and being comfortable with taking initiative.
In a poll I took on my website previously, when asked if they tended to approach men they found attractive versus waiting to be the one who is pursued, the overwhelming majority of single gay men indicated they were more comfortable taking a passive stance to dating and tended to wait to be approached by other men.
This is a travesty! Imagine how many wonderful and fulfilling relationships could be formed if men could feel more secure within themselves and possess the courage to make “the first move.”
Whether it’s shyness, insecurity, fear of rejection or any other reason for this inhibition, make it your priority to work on overcoming these blocks and adopt the mantra “No More Missed Opportunities.”
You might be really glad you take that risk, particularly since you’d be in the minority of those brave enough to engage that cute guy who just walked into the room.
10. Live with passion and meaning.
The final quality that makes gay men melt is someone who lives his life with passion, spirit and purpose.
His life is full, yet balanced. He enjoys what he does and always looks for the silver lining. He’s a problem solver, a lover and wants to contribute in a meaningful way to make his mark.
These types of men light up the room when they walk in. They have command, enjoy life and are forces to be reckoned with because they live hard and want to share this spark with everyone they come into contact with.
What are your passions and talents? What’s your life purpose? What makes you tick? What type of legacy do you want to leave behind?
By answering these questions authentically and living your life wholeheartedly, your magnetism will draw attention and inspiration.
This type of mindset is one of the key ingredients to killing off that guy-repellant known as “desperation” because your identity is defined by so much more than just your relationship status. Sexy is invigorating!
So there you have it, 10 qualities for helping to boost your “sexiness factor!” This is just the tip of the iceberg as we explore the realm of gay dating and support each other as you navigate your singlehood in a way that brings you fulfillment.
Feel free to drop your own ideas and opinions about what makes a gay man sexy in the comments box below so we can all learn from each other! Cheers!
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