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Bottoms Up! Can Two Bottoms Make a Relationship Work? image

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Posted by Joseph on November 30, 2014

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Question: Can two bottoms in a monogamous gay relationship make it work? The answer to this…a resounding yes!

But this will also depend on what you put into the relationship, as well as the attitude that goes along with it. I recently wrote an article about top/top couple pairings.

It’s quite interesting to me the increase in questions that have been coming in about the viability of top/top and bottom/bottom relationships, and it’s actually something that’s concerning to me.

One of the advantages about being gay in our culture is we don’t have to be bound by rigid, stereotyped roles.

Since we don’t have a template for how our relationships should be structured in the way our straight counterparts do, we have the freedom and flexibility to create and tailor our relationships according to our own wishes, preferences and talents.

What’s concerning is we seem to be dichotomizing our relationships and sexual roles through a binary lens that not only limits our potential but also limits the available dating pool.

Think about it this way:

Gay individuals reportedly represent 10 percent of the overall population. We men share this percentage with lesbians, so that percentage of available dating prospects now reduces.

Now consider when we screen potential dating partners for their compatibility with us, there are additional dichotomies we consider.

There are those men who are out versus closeted, comfortable with their sexuality versus not, HIV positive or affirmative for other STIs versus negative, those who favor monogamy versus those who desire open relationships and masculine versus feminine guys.

Then because of our stigmatized identities, gay men have higher rates of mental illness and addiction.

Then there are those men who are bisexual, married and those who are tops versus bottoms. Then we have stereotyped meanings of what it means to be a top (aggressive) versus a bottom (submissive).

These are all factors we take into consideration when determining whether a particular dating prospect would make a good match. And with every dichotomy we add to the mix, the more the available dating pool begins to shrink.

“You need to decide how much a sexual
position plays in your personal requirements.”

It’s already challenging to find a quality partner.

Not to mention this kind of dichotomizing can cause us to treat each other harshly and with judgment, separating each other into categories of good/bad when, I believe, we should be more supportive and affirming of the members within our own community.

What I’m trying to get at with my soapbox here is while it’s very important to have personal requirements for selecting your ideal mate, we also have to be careful about imposing an abundance of restrictions with which we’re willing to date if we are to increase our odds of finding a quality partner.

The salience with which each of these values represent will vary from person to person, but I encourage you to explore whether the pursuit of perfection is limiting your dating life and creating dichotomies of which you may be robbing yourself of possibilities.

We should never violate our value systems, but at the same time, I think we as a gay community sometimes shut doors on the possibility of true intimacy because of standards we apply that become roadblocks to the very thing we desire the most.

When it comes to bottom/bottom relationship pairings…

It’s important to remember we are not defined by what we do sexually and a relationship is more than just what we do in the bedroom (or kitchen counter!)

Explore the extent to which either of you would be willing to go versatile. Some compromises may need to be made to meet each other’s sexual needs, and you may actually find versatility enhances your relationship.

In my experience, since both partners are receptive to penetration, I find bottom/bottom pairings more flexible with these issues than top/top pairings, who tend to be more resistant and have more boundaries with what they’re willing to do with their bodies sexually.

If you resist the idea of topping your partner from time to time, explore what it is about this sexual activity that is causing you to set this boundary, as there may be a psychological block you could work through and lift.

Additionally, there is a variety of sex toys (dildos, vibrators, etc.) that could be integrated into your sex play that could help fill the void (so to speak!) of a penetrating partner, and you could both explore creative methods of spicing things up in the bedroom.

Ultimately, you will need to decide how much of a role sexual position plays in your personal requirements for long-term happiness in a relationship.

Is not being with a partner who will top you a deal-breaker, or are you willing to compromise on this? If not, this type of pairing may not be for you.

However, you also will want to consider the dichotomy commentary I spoke about above to determine if you’re creating barriers that could interfere with your relationship goals.

If you have found a partner who is perfect for you in every way, except for the fact that he won’t penetrate you and these other ideas don’t appeal to you, could you walk away from him without regrets and return to the dating jungle in the hopes of finding someone who will without a guarantee?

That is the ultimate question for you to contemplate.

What are your thoughts about this important issue of the role of dichotomies in gay relationships and sexuality? What experiences have you had with bottom/bottom couple pairings?

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

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