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Creative Ways to Breakup with Your Jerk Boyfriend

Creative Ways to Breakup with Your Jerk Boyfriend image
Posted by Joseph on August 25, 2015

Breaking up is hard to do, well, almost. Ending a relationship doesn’t always have to be nice. Sometimes boy toys are just plain idiots and need to be taught a lesson.
The trick to a great breakup is turning it into a symbol. If it was an awkward relationship, make it as engaging a breakup as you can. If you were the submissive one during the relationship, get your power back by delivering a power-hungry breakup.
Don’t just leave a boring text message. If you truly want to end with a bang, make sure your breakup is one of epic proportions. Here are a few ideas that have come across our attention by people who have shared their experiences and by those who wish they could turn back time.

Hire A Singing Telegram
This is an epic breakup scene. Not only does it give him false hope that you’re doing something “romantic,” but it also has the ability to embarrass him in front of his pretentious friends and knock him off his high horse.
Singing telegram services have multiple costumes for their performers. Make sure it’s a good one, i.e. cupid, an impersonator, drag queen, Disney character, preferably something with a positive image so the message will be more brutal. Be sure you give the singing messenger a big tip.

Quote A Movie
If words leave you, and all else fails, use a quote from a movie. You can either say it in person or write it on a note. It’s always best to have it be a movie they know, better yet, one you’ve watched several times together. Here are a few of my faves:
  • Annie Hall: “A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”
  • Legally Blonde: “If I want to be a Senator, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.”
  • Superstar: “I made up a new dance, its called Get On With Your Life”
  • Social Network: “You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that [guys] don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.”
  • Brokeback Mountain [with a twist]: “I, in fact, do know how to quit you.”

Public Embarrassment At A Gay Bar
If you call him out publicly, chances are he will be too embarrassed to fight back, especially if you can rally the whole bar against him. List everything he’s done, scream it so everyone will hear, and then end with, “What do you think guys, should I break up with him?!”
A friend of mine did this, after which a slew of drag queens, bartenders, and drunk shirtless guys screamed back, “Yes Honey! Dump his Ass!” leading to pandemonium. This is always an epic story to tell your friends. If it’s a place you and your boy go to often, even better!

Have A “Break Up” Shot
If you know a bartender or bar owner, have them make a special drink for you and your (soon to be) ex-boyfriend and call it the “Break Up” shot. When he brings it to you guys, have him specifically say it. If your boy doesn’t get it, break it down for him, and leave him to pay the bill.

A “Care” Package
Have a beautiful care package waiting for him when he gets home that looks like it’s full of fun things, including his favorite candies.
Provide a Hallmark card explaining you’re” just not into him anymore,” and if he needs help grieving to read the self-help books you’ve provided. Have the package be full of breakup books, boxes of Kleenex, a couple of tear-jerking movies, and anything else that one might need to get through a night of crying. Finish it off with a list of phone numbers of some good therapists in the area.

Blame It On Him
Most people would say, “It’s not you. It’s me.” Forget that! Don’t blame it on yourself, instead blame it on him. Have a thorough breakdown of their faults, characteristics and attributes that annoy you and link them to specific examples. Touch his face gently, look at him in the eye and after you give these points, say, “So really… it’s not me. It’s you.”

Change Your Facebook Status
Change your status and don’t tell him. When he finds out – whether it’s through his own discovery or by his friends – respond with no remorse. This is totally low blow, so make sure he truly deserves it. It’s always a treat to see how many “likes” you get before he finally notices.
Blame It On The Alcohol
“Now that I’m sober, I think we need to break up” is always a fun line to say or write in a card. Offer an incentive, i.e. a bottle of champagne with a note saying “I thought you might need this.” If you’re relationship was solely based on sex or partying, using alcohol in your breakup speech is always a good idea. Not only will it make him think, but it adds insult to injury.

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