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Posted by Joseph on December 25, 2014

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There’s an emptiness we’re all too afraid to talk about, even though most of us have been there at one point or another. It’s called loneliness, and it’s one of the scariest places we can ever possibly exist because it has the potential to shape our entire outlook on the world.

It’s as if you’re freefalling towards an unforeseeable end, the fear being you’re not good enough and that you’ll die alone, making your entire life invalid. This fear has the power to trap us inside our own loneliness, becoming prisoners of the mind. I’ve seen this happen more and more frequently in the gay community. Men of all ages are feeling so isolated from society because they feel like they don’t fit in or are un-welcomed, the fear of being alone turns into a phobia that bleeds into all facets of their life.

Being lonely doesn’t require the presence of people. You can have a boyfriend and a multitude of friends, yet still feel lonely. You can be single without many friends, and yet, never feel alone. It’s a very complex emotion that’s fueled by our own standards, rather than outside forces. In other words, according to some psychologists, if a social relationship isn’t satisfying our needs or desires the way we want it to, it’s easy for loneliness to creep in and make us feel distressed. Some might call it boredom, and others might turn it into anxiety, desolation, or insecurity. I learned it the hard way.

When I first moved to Los Angeles, nothing met my standards. For whatever reason, I had an incredibly low tolerance for people, places, and things that weren’t up to my satisfaction. After years of living with this mindset, I woke up one day to realize I was totally alone. Not just that, but I had to live with the fact that I did it to myself. By not allowing myself to embrace new things, welcome new ideas, or empathize with others, I was preventing all potential to connect with anyone.

I’m not saying that this is the only reason why people feel lonely, but for me, it was a major epiphany which brought me to a new state of mind. Loneliness isn’t about missing a person to hold your hand or wanting someone to listen to your problems. It’s lacking an authentic connection – and half of that comes from us. We all want that, and to not have it can be devastating. Though there are situations where others will purposely try to keep you at a distance, there are times when we, the controller of our lives, need to investigate our own efforts. Perhaps it’s us who are unconsciously producing our own loneliness.

There’s a wonderful freedom that comes with seeing things in an open perspective. If you don’t allow people into your world, you’re never going to attain that human connection we all crave. In my opinion, the only thing that can cure loneliness is the willingness to let go of ourselves and embrace others for what they have to offer. Often times, the barriers we place in between ourselves and others are built by our own hands. It’s time now to break the habit.

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