Middle-Aged Gay Men: Ageism and Sexuality

Coming to terms with growing old can be difficult in the gay community.

In our culture the stigma against growing older is “ageism.” This stigma is pronounced in the gay community, given its emphasis on youth and physical beauty .For men who bought into the conventional standards of gay attractiveness, aging can be terrifying.

The gay culture is unforgiving of aging. It highly prizes sexual potency, perfect bodies, and youth. This is for a good reason; any signs of vulnerability and imperfection feel dangerous in a heteronormative world where there is a high likelihood to be rejected and criticized.

Older gay men have the same desire for physical and emotional intimacy as do younger ones. As they age, however, they may be able to step off what one writer described as “the unconscious, relentless, mechanical treadmill of desire.”

They’re still active sexually. The pattern of sexual activity a man had in his youth tends to persist as he ages. In several surveys, as many as three quarters of gay men report being happy with their sexual life. In some studies over half of these men reported having sex at least once a week with a partner and this is in addition to the masturbating that most men also do.

They know more about what turns them on and are less self-conscious about asking for it. Having more free time, less stressful work lives, and more self-acceptance contribute to an enhanced sense of sexual possibilities.

The highly valued sexual experience tends to shift from the drive directly to orgasm to a fuller erotic life. Affection, cuddling and emotional closeness are increasingly important. Instead of a quick orgasm, gay men in this age group reach for what one author calls, “compassion, creativity, and patience” in their sexual life.

Some gay men are finding that their sex life is better than ever. In some ways, no one is more surprised about this phenomenon than they are. Much younger men are attracted to them in the Daddy/Son dynamic. This well–known arrangement between a much older man and a much younger one can serve many functions. Sometimes these are pathologic, such as the exploitation of one by the other for sexual gratification or economic gain. Many men, however, find these relationships productive; the older man mentors the younger, the younger’s attentions enliven the life of the older, and both enjoy the sexual dynamics.

The range of sexual options for older gay men has dramatically increased. Formerly restricted to cruising on the street, picking up men in bars, and having anonymous sex in bathhouses, gay men are now exploring the Internet. Through apps and sites such as Grindr, Scruff or Adam4Adam, men can set up sexual encounters not just nearby but also in other locales, including foreign countries. Although the assumption is that encounters through these sites are for “quick and dirty” sex, users can indicate on their profiles that they are interested in a long-term relationship. Sometimes such relationships evolve from this unlikely source. There are premier gay dating sites that cater to gay men finding serious relationships such as Gay Dating Solutions and My Gay Match.

My Gay Match is a new gay dating site that focuses on matching gay men not only on demographic information but a unique personality measure developed by a psychologist. All members are personally confirmed and carefully screened by their staff to prove that they are real. If you’re looking to find a warm and meaningful connection with interesting and caring single gay men this is the site for you. The gay dating website is currently offering a free 30-day trial.

For gay men aged 40 and over to be desirable, they have to be pushed into the label of “Daddy.” For some, it’s a great turn-on, but for others it is unwelcomed. Not everybody wants to play the Daddy-Twink games. Some want to have sex and feel sexually desired just as they are, without fearing being dismissed or rejected. This needs to change because we need to learn to appreciate all kinds of gay male body shapes and ages.

Aging is a privilege. It’s A Sin vividly shows us that many gay men didn’t get to age, fulfill their potential, live their dreams, find love. Let’s celebrate aging. Let’s embrace the knowing and wisdom that we develop as we age. Let’s be grateful for having enough time alive to make something of our lives. We often take having time for granted, but it is a precious gift. And let’s not be afraid of having sex with a gay man over the age of 40 — it can be really hot!

Let’s create more of a community, open our arms to each other, create that community where nobody needs to feel rejected or out of place. Now, more than ever, we need it.