Let me explain. When you’re in your twenties, your straight girlfriends are practically your other half. You spend days attached at the hip, lying around having “I LOVE YOU” marathons, and nurturing an intimacy that’s unparalleled. You share apartments with these women, they become your plus ones, your “In Case Of Emergency Contact.”
Then things start to change. The hetero and homo life paths are linked together until they’re not, until the straight girl gets into a serious relationship and feels the urge to nest and start a family. Gay men, on the other hand, don’t have eggs that need freezing. We feel little pressure to get married. Unlike straight people, we’re not tethered to the traditional markers of adulthood. We marry our boyfriend if we want to (provided that it’s even legal) and the same goes for having children. In a way, it’s liberating. We can ask ourselves, “Do I want kids? Is it even necessary to get married? We’ve gone so long without it; we could just throw a giant party for our friends and family and have that be enough.”
But this freedom comes at a cost. The other day I was hanging out with my friend Kyle, who’s in his thirties and seemingly always surrounded by gay men. His birthday party was basically just like being in a room with a giant penis. Out of the fifty or so guests, I think only five were girls? It was nuts. Literally. So I asked him, “Kyle, what’s up with you only hanging out with gay guys? Where are your girlfriends?” And he was like, “Babe?” and I was like, “Hon?” And he was like, “My GF’s went MIA a few years ago. They all got married and had babies….
“So what?” I scoff. “They can’t just, like, get a sitter and come hang?”
“It’s not like that anymore,” Kyle said. “Trust me, you’ll see what I mean. Once you hit your thirties and your girlfriends start settling down, it all starts to change.”
As hard as it was to hear this rude truth bomb, Kyle’s probably right. Some of my girlfriends who are in serious relationships—not married, no kids—have already ghosted on me so they can lie in bed with their boyfriend and watch House Of Cards ALL DAY LONG. It doesn’t make sense. I know plenty of wifed-up gay guys who are almost a decade older than them and they’re still incredibly social. They go out to the bars, throw dinner parties, and go on vacations with their friends. So does that mean fostering a sense of community is more important to gay men than it is to straight people? Or do straight people just build their tribe with their nuclear family while gay men maintain theirs via meaningful friendships?
The older I get, the more I’m inclined to think so. Seeing all the straight girls I love begin new chapters of their lives feels bittersweet to me because I wonder, “Am I going to become gay roadkill?” I know I’m being a little ridiculous here but I’m sure there’s a nugget of truth to my fears. And I’m not saying this to be critical of straight people or to imply that they don’t give a fuck about their friendships. “They just want to get married, wear performance fleece vests while giving birth to two children, and sing the soundtrack to Frozen as they coast to the heterosexual finish line of life!” No, that’s not it. But it’s also naïve to think that our wants and needs are the same. In the last year or so, I’ve noticed that my single girlfriends don’t want to hang out at the gay bar with me anymore. “There’s nothing there for me,” they’ll say. “I can’t meet anyone.” It’s then that I’ll remember, “Oh yeah, you’re a straight girl who wants to fall in love and not die in a shitty two-bedroom apartment with their gay best friend. Right!” I don’t want that either. Trust! I want to find a husband too. Our end goals are the same but they can’t always be achieved together.
Now, more than ever, I realize the importance of forming bonds with other gay men. I spent so many years resisting these kinds of friendships because I was too insecure to handle it but now I don’t care. I need it. I need to be with other gay dudes who can commiserate about intimacy issues or the messiness of gay sex or discuss The Golden Girls in great detail for two hours without someone being like “zzzzz.” It’s crazy how many of our stories are the same. You enter a room full of gay men who look and act nothing like you but then you sit down and have a conversation with them and you discover just how similar you are. Being gay can often feel alienating and lonely, except in those moments of understanding and connection. Then everything feels golden.
Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!
Tags: #BigBankChallenge #BohemianKissChallenge #EqualityActJapan #StopAsianHate 12 Dates of Christmas 2020 Olympics Aaron Schock Adam Castillejo Adam Rippon addiction ageism Aging AhTave AIDS Aime Wichtendal Alaska Alex Morse Almost Love America's Next Top Model American Medical Association Amy Coney Barrett Annise Parker Antes Que El Mundo Se Acabe Anti-Asian Violence Anti-LGBTQ ANTM anxiety Aptima HIV-1 Arizona Armie Hammer astrology At-home date Atlanta Atlanta Black Pride Atlanta GA Atlanta Nightlife Atlanta Pride Atlanta Pride Run Atlanta’s Queer History Bicycle Tour Austin Swink Austin Texas Austin TX Backpacks for the Street Basel Abou Hamrah BFI Flare Bisexual BLACK GAY MEN Black LGBTQ Atlanta Black Lives Matter Black Love Bohemian Rhapsody Boston Boston MA Boston Nightlife Brian Sims Broadway bully Bullying California Call Me By Your Name Canada Capital Pride Capitalism Cason Crane Celebrity News censorship Chemistry Chemsex Chicago Chicago IL Chris Evans Christian proselytizing Christianity Christmas Christmas commercial Christmas movie Christmas Movies Chucky Circus of Books civil unions Cody McCook Colorado Comedy coming out commentary compatibility Confidence Congress conspiracy theory Conversion therapy CoronaVirus Court Vox COVID COVID-19 Covid-19 vaccine Cubbyhole NYC daddy Dallas Dallas Gay Bars Dallas Gayborhood Dallas Texas Danica Roem Daniel Harding Daniel Howell Date night dating dating advice Dating Apps Dating Red Flags dating rut dating tips DC Pride Dead to Me Denver Depression discrimination Disney Documentary Dolf Pasker Dolly Parton Domestic Violence Donald Trump Donna Price Drag Race drag racing Dustin Lance Black election Election 2020 Election Day Elite Employment Entertainment Entertainment news epidemic Fabio Fasoli Family family gatherings Film Finding True Love First Date First Date Etiquette first date ideas first date tips Flirting Tips Flirty Dancing Florida Fort Lauderdale Franklin Graham Freddie Mercury Garrett Clayton gay gay asian gay asian men Gay Atlanta Gay Austin Gay Bars NYC Gay beaches Gay Boston Gay Boston Nightlife Gay Chicago Gay Christmas Gay Couple Gay Couples Gay Culture Gay Dallas Gay Dallas Nightlife gay dating gay dating advice gay dating app gay dating apps Gay Dating Red Flags Gay Dating Solutions Gay Dating Tips Gay DC gay discrimination gay film Gay Florida Gay Fort Lauderdale Gay Health Gay Holiday Movie Gay Houston gay kiss Gay Love Advice gay marriage gay marriage proposal gay men Gay Miami gay midlife Gay Mountaineer Gay Movies Gay New York Gay nightlife Gay Nurse Gay NYC Gay Panic Gay Pride gay relationship advice gay relationship tips gay relationships Gay Santa Gay Scene gay seniors gay sex gay singles Gay Soldier Gay Travel Gay Twitter Gay Washington DC Gay Wedding gay weddings Gay Widower Gays Over COVID gaysian Gen Z Generation Z Georgia Gert Kasteel Ghosting GLAAD GOP Gorsuch Greater Houston LGBTQ Chamber of Commerce grindr Guy Vandenberg Gym Gays Haaz Sleiman Hallmark Halloween Hate Crime HBO Max Health HGVT HIV HIV prevention HIV stigma HIV treatment HIV vaccine HIV/AIDS hobbies Holi-date Holiday Film Holiday Movies Holidays Hollywood Holyoke Homophobia hooking up hookup hookup culture Hot Vax Summer House Hunters Houston Houston Texas Houston TX Hulu Ian Jordan Indya Moore Instagay Instagram intersex Intimacy Intimacy coach Iowa Iowa caucus isolation It's A Sin Jake Gyllenhaal James Bushe Japan Jaymes Vaughan Jayson Conner Jeffrey Newman Jennifer Tilly Jewish Jewish persecution Joe Biden Jonathan Bennett Josef Salvat Jussi-Pekka Kajaala Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg JVN Jwan Yosef Karamo Brown Kristine Stolakis Lady Gaga Lesbian lesbian couple Let It Snow LGBT LGBT Austin LGBT Travel Guide LGBT-Free Zones LGBTQ LGBTQ Asians LGBTQ Atlanta LGBTQ Austin LGBTQ Boston LGBTQ Chicago LGBTQ Dallas LGBTQ DC LGBTQ discrimination LGBTQ employees LGBTQ Family LGBTQ Film LGBTQ Film Festival LGBTQ Films LGBTQ flag LGBTQ Fort Lauderdale LGBTQ Health LGBTQ History LGBTQ Houston LGBTQ Miami LGBTQ movies LGBTQ New York LGBTQ nightlife LGBTQ NYC LGBTQ Pride LGBTQ retirees LGBTQ retirement LGBTQ Rights LGBTQ Seniors LGBTQ Victory Institute LGBTQ Youth Life Lifetime Lifetime TV Network Linda Warren lockdown London LGBTIQ+ Film Festival loneliness Love Victor Love Wins Luke Evans Male Nurse Malik Brown marriage equality marriage proposal Marsha P Johnson Marvel Marvin Cortes Massachusetts mature gay dating mental health Mexico Miami Miami Beach Miami Beach Pride Miami Florida Miami nightlife Michael Cashman Michael Henry Middle-aged gay men midlife Modern Family mormon Mr. Right Muscle gays music video My Gay Match NASCAR National Coming Out Day Nationwide Conversion Therapy Ban Neil Gorsuch Netflix Netflix Special Nevada New Year's Resolution New York New York City Nonbinary North Dakota Northern Ute tribe Norway Nurse Appreciation Week NYC NYC Events NYC Pride NYC Pride 2021 Oak Lawn Obergefell v. Hodges older gay man Omander Omar Ayuso One True Pairing online dating online dating apps online dating tips online gay dating Online trolls Open Relationship Operation Hyacinth OTP Outfest Outfest LA 2021 Outfest Los Angeles Pan-African Pride pandemic Paper Moons Pat Robertson Pennsylvania Perez Hilton personality Personality Matching personality type Pete Buttigieg Pink Capitalism Poland Politics polyamorous polyamorous relationship polyamorous relationships Pope Francis Pose power bottom Pray Away PrEP pride Pride 2021 Pride Afrique Pride Flag Pride Month Prince Harry profile pic Puerto Vallarta quarantine Queer eye Queer Film Queer Films Queer Holiday Movies Queer Lawmakers Queer Love Story Queer Santa Queer Youth racism Rafa Olarra Rainbow Wave red flags Reddit Relationship relationship advice Relationship Tips relationships religion Rep. Andy Biggs Republican retirement Ricky Martin rom-com Romantic Comedy Ryan Murphy Ryan O’Connell Samaritan’s Purse same sex marriage Same Sex Relationships Same Sex Wedding Same-Sex Couples Same-Sex Kiss same-sex marriage same-sex marriage ban Santa Claus Schitt’s Creek Score Miami Score Nightclub Scott Evans Scott Wiener Section 28 self isolation self-care Senior Gay Dating Senior Gay Men senior gays Senior Prom Seven Summits sex Sex and Intimacy Sex Education sex life sexual identity sexual preference sexual racism sexuality short film Shy Gay Guys Single All the Way single gay man Single Gay Men Single Gays Single Young Gays social distancing social isolation social media Social Security Somerville South Florida sports Stonewall Stonewall Riots straight men Super Bowl ads Super Bowl commercials Super Bowl LIV Supreme Court Switzerland Syfy Syria Tan France Television Tennessee The Boys in the Band The Center on Colfax The Christmas Setup The Eternals The First The Thing About Harry Threesome throuple TikTok Tom Daley toxic gay relationship toxic masculinity toxic relationships Transgender Travel Travis Shumake true love Trump administration Turner Free TV series Tweets Twitter Unconditional Love United Methodist Church US economy US Supreme Court Valentine's day viral news viral video Virginia Washington DC Web Series Wedding When Harry met Santa Workplace workplace discrimination World AIDS Day World Pride Young Gay Guys young gay men Youth YouTube