Gay Dating 101: The Things You Should Never Talk About

Dating is a lot of fun, but it also can be quite terrifying. We never know what’s going on inside his head, but we sure as hell can control what comes out of our mouths. Certain topics you might think are safe, for the most part, can end up sending you on a nosedive. Here are a few you should stay away from:

#1) Your Sex Position.

As much as you want to know if he’s a top or bottom, it’s not going to be very classy bringing it up on a date (especially the first one). It can be pretty tempting when you’ve had a few drinks between you, but try to keep the focus on building a connection that’s emotional.

#2) Your Sob Story.

No one wants to hear about how dysfunctional your family is, how your ex left you with nothing, or how sad or depressed you are because of x, y, z. The goal is to have FUN on a date, not make him (or you) sad. Keep the sob stories to yourself.

#3) Everything That Annoys You.

You don’t want to seem too bitchy at the beginning, so lay off the constant complaints about everything: the waiter, the food, your friends, the décor. This isn’t a reality show and you aren’t here to judge anything. Simply have a good time and embrace positivity.

#4) Yourself.

The point of a date is to get to know each other, sure, but there’s a fine line between letting him know who you are as a person and making it all about you: “I did this, I did that, I worked with so-and-so, I’m a big deal…” It can turn into a pitch real quick if you let it.

#5) Your Money Situation.

Money is something that shouldn’t be brought up other than a simple, “I’m comfortable” or “I’m still working my way up.” Frankly it’s no one’s business but your own when it comes to personal finances. More often than not we think it’s a make or break situation—if I don’t make X amount of money, he’ll lose interest, so I need to talk about it. Trust me, you don’t want to sell your bank account. You want to sell yourself.

#6) Your Failing Health.

Chronic illness sucks, but leave it at the hospital. Nothing squeezes the energy down quicker than someone bringing up their failing health on a date. It can either scare them away or make them feel incredibly awkward. There’s nothing to gain from talking about it.

#7) Your Exes.

Leave the past behind you, especially the men. Don’t bring up your crummy ex-relationship because it will only make you seem unavailable. You want him to know that you’re an open book and looking ahead to the future, rather than the past.

#8) Your Addictions.

You may have been addicted to sex, drugs, or pot. But wait a few dates before you tell him about it, especially the stories behind them. You might scare a man away if you tell him about the crazy sex encounter you had five years ago.

#9) Your Demands.

It’s okay to have non-negotiables, but for God’s sake at least wait until you know each other a little better before you present “the list.” He’s a man, not a customer service rep. Relish in an organic connection before you present a practical side of things.

#10) Your Corrections.

I’ve been on dates where guys feel the need to “correct” my wrongs. This is never a good idea. You don’t want to seem like a control freak, especially about small things like clothing options, restaurant choices, or how to kiss better. You’ll make him feel inadequate and judged. Leave it to yourself.

There’s a fine line between getting to know someone and digging a little too deep, so try to think before you speak. Don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Have you ever been asked an awkward question during a date? Are there any topics that would send you running for the hills?

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

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College Dating Tips for Gay Men

When you’re a gay student in college, you might feel like you have fewer options for finding a date compared to your heterosexual classmates. It’s true that there are certainly a few more challenges for dating within the gay community in college.
Some of the challenges with gay dating in college may have to do with the school you attend or the place where your college is located. For example, what if your school has a very small LGBT student population? What if you attend school in a small town with no gay bars? Meanwhile, students may also have to deal with prejudices or judgments from their classmates.
Whatever the case may be, don’t let those obstacles discourage you. Instead, be proactive about your dating life. The following are five ways for gay college students to improve their options on the dating scene.

College Dating Tips for Gay Men:

1. Join Advocacy Groups
One of the quickest and easiest ways to meet other gay students on campus is to join an advocacy group. Most colleges today have a Gay-Straight Alliance club, Gay Rights Advocacy Group or other student group that deals with LGBT issues. Check out which clubs your college has to offer and consider signing up. The more involved you get, the more you’ll get to know about the other people in your group to see if sparks fly with anyone. Being able to join groups with people who share similar interests or backgrounds is a huge advantage of attending college, so take advantage of it.

2. Find Gay-Friendly Local Businesses
Another way to meet other people in the LGBT community is to look for local bars, restaurants, cafes and shops which are particularly gay-friendly. This will be a snap in most urban areas, but you may have to do a little more research in smaller towns. The pay-off is worth it, though: these establishments are great places to not only meet potential matches – they also make a great location for a date.

3. Go Online
You can also put your dating life on the fast track with the help of online dating services. Students looking to use these sites to improve their love life will find that, although there are plenty of LGBT-only online dating services, some of the most popular sites among heterosexual students are actually just as effective.
You can also try, which is a popular choice for gay singles.

4. Meet People Off Campus
One of the major challenges for some students is having a small LGBT student population at their school. For example, even at a liberal-leaning school like Rice University, less than 14% of students identify as something other than heterosexual (homosexual, bisexual, etc.). Therefore, you may need to venture off campus to find a potential date.
Try going to local gay bars or other gay-friendly establishments to strike up a conversation with potential matches. You can also join a group or club outside of school to widen your social circle a bit. It doesn’t have to be related to LGBT causes – just aim to meet new people. Even if you just make new friends, those friends may be instrumental in introducing you to other potential dates outside of your student population.

5. Pay Attention to Personal Interactions
Heterosexual students have it easier in many ways, but one of the most significant advantages they have is the basic cultural assumption that most people are heterosexual. As a member of the LGBT community, you probably already realize that a significant challenge in your dating life is figuring out who is straight and who’s not.
In these situations, LGBT students are advised to pay attention to the subtleties of your personal interactions. Strike up a conversation and make eye contact. See if the person you’re talking to is responding. It takes a little more effort to be hyperaware, but it could help you find a potential match in the place where you least expect it.

Quick Tips
  • The Campus Climate Index is an excellent source for locating information about various colleges’ records on LGBT issues.
  • Look for local gay singles meet-ups and other LGBT dating events in your area on sites like as an additional way to meet potential dates.
  • Don’t forget to focus on the whole college experience, not just your love life. Take interesting classes, join sports teams and clubs and meet new people. There’s a good chance that immersing yourself in the college experience could lead you to an eventual romance anyway.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

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Gay Dating Advice: Can a Single Gay Father Find Love Again?


Reader’s Question: I have recently joined a gay dating site but I’m not sure if my profile is an eye-catcher. I was married to a woman for a number of years and I have never had sex with a man. I’m now a single dad and have gone on a couple of dates but they always end the same way. They find out I have kids and they can’t seem to get away fast enough. My children are the most important thing to me and if it means being single the rest of my life, then so be it. But I can’t believe all gay guys don’t want kids. Am I doomed to singlehood?

Finding a compatible dating partner can certainly be challenging, but finding a quality guy is always a possibility! For starters, it’s important to avoid defining your life around dating and to make sure you’re living a full and balanced life that you’re passionate about and that’s purposeful. It’s also important to take this time while you’re single to determine what your negotiable and non-negotiable needs are for a partner and a relationship to help you adequately screen dating prospects for compatibility and to also make sure you’ve got the emotional readiness to take on the responsibilities of dating.
Make good use of your gay dating profile to attract attention with a captivating and eye-grabbing headline that speaks to your personality, but you’ll also want to filter out those men who would not be good matches by highlighting your status (a single gay father) and other personal requirements you have in the profile of your ad. Another thing you could do would be to join a social networking site (eg.; if there are no groups in your area that cater to gay fathers, why not be innovative and start your own? You could also start a social group in your community or create an online discussion forum for other gay dads for support and friendship that could lead to dating opportunities.
The important thing is to keep a positive and optimistic mindset, live your life to the max and put yourself in situations that speak to your interests and values where you might be able to meet other gay men. Don’t give up hope and recognize that there are a lot of gay men out there who think gay dads are sexy!

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

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Gay Dating: Are You Dating a Psycho Obsessive Stalker?

No one wants to date a psycho. The relationship will be frustrating, and even worse, you could put yourself and the people around you at risk. Unfortunately, there are plenty of nutjobs online.
It seemed like such a great romance. He was just your type and the mutual attraction was instantaneous. Dates were filled with laughter, stories, and a refreshing honesty. You were sure he was the guy you’d been looking for.
Well, eventually you broke up, and in this highly connected age that’s rarely the end of the story. During our lonely days and nights we wonder what the ex is doing, think about ways to meet the hunky new guy we saw at the gym, or just want to cruise online and see what handsome snack we might meet. And suddenly, without even realizing it, we become a dreaded psycho-homo.
Don’t believe it? The folks at Wet—that’s right, the lubricant company — took a poll to study people’s behavior on social networks. Check out the results:

Of the respondents…
• 29% admitted they never stop checking up on their ex using Facebook. 
• Over 20% said they’ve checked up on a crush’s whereabouts using a social networking site, and then gone to that location to “bump into them.”
• 54% have “friended” a mutual friend they haven’t met, simply based on appearance.

For those of you in a relationship…
• 34% worry about what their partner does online when they’re not around.

And for those you who don’t think there’s anything wrong with the above psycho-homo behavior…
• 32% were scared off by how quickly someone they met added them as a friend on Facebook.

While it’s no surprise that you need to be careful about what you post on Facebook or Twitter, these numbers show that keeping your personal info to a minimum (or blocking certain people’s access to that info) can save you from unnecessary drama. Indeed, it can mean the difference between moving on or feeling safe, and feeling like you have to move out of town.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

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Good and Bad Conversation Topics for a Successful First Date

Ah, the first date. Where great relationships begin, or stumble into awkward, dead-end conversation. To have a great conversation you often have to ask an open question and then follow up to the other person’s response with statements. Try not to ask a reel of questions. Instead, ask a question; listen to their response and then say your own opinion.
Below is a list of potential topics you can have at your disposal should your mind go blank or if one of those horrifying moments of silence occurs. Beware, there are also certain subjects you should avoid so you will not risk offending him or making him want to bolt from the scene.

1. Do talk about your requirements for a relationship.
These first several dates are intended for you to screen whether the two of you have any compatibility to explore further.

2. Don’t interrogate the poor guy.
You can ask him what he is looking for in a guy and subtly ask questions oriented around your own needs without coming across too heavy.

3. Do talk about current events in the news or media.
These topics can add lightness to your discussions and are a good way to screen his knowledge and social awareness.

4. Don’t talk about something you don’t know much about.
You will come across as lacking in intelligent conversation.
If you are not savvy on current events, now would be a great time to brush up on the news to have an arsenal of topics and wisdom handy in case you need it.

5. Do talk about gay issues.
Is he “out”? How involved is he in the gay community?
You will want to screen for any possible internalized homophobia or values around gayness that might not be compatible with your stances.
If those values are both similar, how do you feel about that?

6. Don’t talk about monogamy and explicit sex acts desired.
The time will come to talk about these important issues, but they can be a bit heavy on a first date before you have had a chance to establish some camaraderie.
The same rule applies when discussing politics, religion and money.

7. Do talk about interests and hobbies.
You want to find out if the two of you share any similarities in activities for recreation and leisure.
Ask for examples about experiences and inquire as to what he likes the best about those things.

“Be creative and savvy in how
you go about your conversations.”

8. Don’t talk too much about yourself.
A balanced conversation between you and he is crucial for it to not feel like it is a one-sided date.
Be sure to have an equalized dialogue so you both feel like you’re contributing something.

9. Do talk about your passions and inquire about his.
Nothing energizes a conversation more than a person talking about something that is meaningful to them.
Ask lots of questions to show an interest and curiosity in what he’s talking about.

10. Don’t judge or minimize what he says.
You should never do this, even if it is counter to what you like to do. Validate the importance this passion has for him.

11. Do talk about family and friends.
And inquire about his relationships with them. You can learn a lot about a person by the types of attachments they have to people.
Is he close or disconnected to them? How does he speak about these people in his life — with adoration or negativity?

12. Don’t give a detailed history of your past dramas.
The more he hears about any family dysfunction, the more his eyes are going to be darting toward the door.
Try to save that history for a later time when you can gauge if you can trust him.

13. Do talk about your visions for the future.
What does he hope to be doing in five, 10 or 20 years down the road? Does it appear that you have comparable plans for the future?
Career, marriage and parenting might be something to mention here.

14. Don’t come on too strong.
Also, avoid agreeing with things he says just because you want this to work out. This can be suffocating and appears insincere at times.

15. Do talk about dating.
And talk about what you envision an ideal dating lifestyle to look like.
It can be funny sometimes to swap past dating horror stories, but keep them to a minimum so he does not get the wrong impression of you.
A long history of failed dating relationships could make it seem like you are a train wreck.

16. Don’t bash ex-partners.
This adds a climate of negativity to your date and could have him question whether you might talk like that about him someday.
It might also lead him to think you might be a negative person.

These are just a few ideas out of a plethora of topics you could choose. Remember, every topic and question you ask is designed to screen whether you and the guy sitting across from you have “goodness of fit.”
In closing, of all the first date tips I can give, the best one is to just be yourself. Be authentic. BUT, be YOUR BEST self. Offer your date the things you love about yourself; your passion, your heart, your humor, perhaps. Leave your past relationship baggage at home tonight.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

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Gay Dating and Violence: Are You Dating an Abuser?


Same-sex domestic violence doesn’t seem like a big problem to many gay men. Statistics are hard to come by; it’s hard to know the scope of the problem. 

Just like male rape, however, men find themselves being victimized on occasion. For men there can be the additional issue that because we think it can’t happen to us, we have a hard time understanding what has happened — or we are quick to blame ourselves.

Violence in gay relationships can be physical, sexual, emotional — or a combination of all three. Emotional abuse is indicated by frequent put-downs, name-calling, humiliation, mind games or guilt trips. Similarly, relationships that become controlled by jealousy, isolation and obsessive control are abusive.

Abusive relationships don’t usually start out violently; if they did, it would be easier for victims to recognize and avoid them. Instead, there is a progression of abuse.

The perpetrator may be very affectionate, then become more controlling or have angry outbursts. Apologies may follow these episodes, along with promises of change.  But then the occasions of hostility become more frequent. Angry words are thrown, as are objects.

Threats are made. When the relationship deteriorates to breaking things and making threats, battering is just around the corner — pushing, slapping, restraining, punching. Sexual assault, broken bones or other serious injury may be next.

Problems that affect gay relationships are often pretty much like those that affect our hetero counterparts. Women are far and away the greatest victims of domestic violence — and heterosexual men are overwhelmingly most likely to be perpetrators — male-male or female-female couples can also become abusive. Individuals with low self-esteem who have unrealistically romantic ideas about relationships may be especially prone to find themselves in abusive relationships. Relationships in which drugs and alcohol play a significant part can be more at risk for abuse and violence.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you must take your situation seriously. This is not a time for unrealistic optimism and sentimentality; this is a time for saving your life. If your partner is serious about change, he will do two things: First, he will accept responsibility for his own actions, rather than shift the blame to you. Second, he will seek treatment — not as a way of manipulating you into staying in the relationship, but treatment on his own, without conditions. If he meets these conditions, you will need to decide whether the relationship is one which is healthy for you to continue or not. You may want to seek professional help.

If your partner does not accept responsibility for his actions and does not seek to change, you must establish a plan for safely separating from him.
Batterers often become enraged when their victim seeks to leave. If you are sharing a home with your abuser, you will need to establish a plan for leaving to minimize the likelihood of a violent confrontation. Are their friends who can help? If you will need to move out, where will you go? Establish a plan to help you move to safety.

For more information, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!

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Gay Dating Advice: What to Do When He Doesn’t Call You Back

You know the scenario. You go out on a first date with that incredible guy who seems like he meets all your criteria for good boyfriend material and you both seemingly had a great time.
You maybe even got a kiss and exchanged lots of flirtatious banter that raised your hopes that maybe it was “true blue” this time. But then he falls off the face of the earth despite his claims he’d call you back for a second date.
There is nothing more frustrating, right? What happened to integrity?
Worse yet, now you can’t get the injustice off your mind, ruminating about what went wrong and why he isn’t returning your phone calls or emails, and it’s making you feel crazed and depressed.
I hear from lots of forlorn men who have experienced this all-too-common situation that is unfortunately a part of dating who can’t seem to shake their disappointment.

What’s a guy to do?
While we can never truly know for sure why someone doesn’t call back after what appeared to be a great first date, some of the more common hypotheses include:
  • He wasn’t really into you and didn’t have the courage to be honest about how he felt.
  • He was really only interested in sex.
If he didn’t get it, he didn’t want to waste time going through a courtship and moved on to find someone more willing to “put out” more quickly.
If he did get it, he got what he wanted and is moving on to the next conquest.
  • Something changed in his life situation (job, health or family issues, a stressor of some kind, etc.) that altered his plans for dating being a priority in his life and he didn’t have the courtesy to inform you of this.
In a perfect world, men would be assertive and upfront about their intentions, but this is an aspect of dating we don’t have any control over.
Our energies will be better spent if channeled in more productive outlets to cope with these letdowns when they happen.

“It doesn’t serve you to allow this guy so
much ‘real-estate space’ in your mind.”

1. Self-soothe.
You’ve got to find a way to self-soothe and stabilize those nerves and reduce the physiological symptoms you’re experiencing from your anxiety and distress.
You can decrease those stress endorphins through exercise, meditation, relaxation techniques, etc.

2. Write a letter.
Write him a letter you DO NOT SEND that expresses all your anger and hurt at how he treated you, and then destroy it to ritualize your “letting go” and moving on.
This letter is for your therapeutic benefit only.

3. Get out of your head.
Engage in meaningful, productive activities that feed your sense of purpose and that will make you feel good about yourself.
This will help get you “out of your head” as you make a positive impact in another arena.

4. Continue dating.
Continue your dating quest after you’ve fully grieved your disappointment and sense of loss so your feelings of being jaded don’t get projected on to every new guy you meet.

5. Basic dating truths.
Develop some affirmations that reinforce some basic truths about dating:
  • “I deserve to be with someone who has integrity and who is enthusiastic about exploring a possible connection with me.”
  • “He did me a favor by not calling back.”
  • “This behavior screams volumes about his character and this does not match my personal requirements for a partner.”
  • “I will not emotionally invest myself in a dating relationship until I’ve had time to really get to know the guy and consistently observe his behavior in a wide range of situations to ensure he’s compatible with me.”
Create a variety of different affirmations that are believable to you that you can repeat on a daily basis so they can become internalized.
You’ll also want to pull these out during those challenging times when your mind goes back to fixating on the man who wronged you to give yourself a healthy reality check.
You will get through this! Just remember it doesn’t serve you to allow this guy so much “real-estate space” in your mind.
It’s not deserved and it holds you back from your potential. You’ll be great!

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
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Gay Dating Advice: How to Handle Age Differences


Reader Question:
I recently met this guy who I really like. He told me he had screwed up every other relationship in his life and didn’t want to screw this one up.
He admitted that I was everything he had hoped to find in a person. I told him I did like him back.
Randomly he texted me and said his life was insanely busy but that he still liked me.
I asked him what happened and he said he is older than me (he’s 28 and I’m 20) and it was starting to bother him.
I really like this guy and want to have things work out, but I want to know whether or not it is worth pursuing and what I can say to help him feel more comfortable with the age difference.

– Mark (Chicago)


Hi Mark!
I know this will probably be disappointing to hear, considering how smitten you have become with this man, but when someone tells you in the very early stages of dating they are too busy and you probably don’t want to be involved with them because of everything they have going on, believe them!
When this happens, they are usually sending you a covert message that they are not emotionally and physically available for a relationship. You will likely be relegated to the back seat because of all the distractions, intimacy fears and/or other priorities he has going on in his life.
You deserve someone who is enthusiastic about being with you and is passionate about spending time with you and seeing where things develop. You are still within the same age cohort with being 20/28, and this is not a significant age difference that could impede a relationship and is likely another deflection he’s sending.
Stay strong and true to the fact that you deserve someone willing to put in the energy required of dating, and unfortunately your friend does not appear to have the readiness at this particular juncture.
Protect yourself against men who send these types of signals. Wishing you all the best with your search!

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
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Gay Dating Tips for The Average Guy


Gay culture highlights youth, muscle, and good looks as valuable assets and commodities when it comes to sexuality and relationships.
All one has to do is turn the pages of your favorite gay magazine and you’ll be distracted by photographs and advertisements of attractive men with chiseled bodies oozing sex appeal to titillate the senses.
Or log on to any dating site on the Web and you’ll find hosts of men demanding youth and rugged masculine good-looks as personal requirements in their profiles to consider even corresponding or chatting with them.

The harsh reality of the worldwide gay community and society at large is that physical attractiveness is deemed a significant value and those who fit the mold of how this description is defined are admired and rewarded with social privileges and positive reinforcement.
This isn’t to say that being a “hottie” is all it’s cracked up to be…they can struggle in the dating realm as well as they are often times pigeonholed with superficialities or viewed solely as sexual objects.

Dating hardships for the “very good-looking” (VGL) could be a whole separate article! But it can often times be a different experience for those who do not espouse the redeeming qualities or status awarded to those labeled as “beautiful” by cultural standards.

So what if you are a single gay man who might be lower on the “hotness scale” because of your physical appearance and looks, your age, your weight, or because you may have a disability? It can feel like your worth in the gay community means nothing and it can undermine your confidence in your dating efforts…but only if you let it!

This article will offer some insights and tips for helping the Gay Average or Not-So-Average Joe navigate through the sometimes cruel dating waters of the gay community to maximize their success as single men on the hunt for Mr. Right.
This isn’t intended to be a Pollyanna approach to the situation because the cold reality is that it is unfortunately more challenging and competitive for those that don’t necessarily fit the prototype of “VGL”. But it’s also not a lost cause!
As you will see, developing and accessing a positive self-esteem and sense of sexiness that we all embody, no matter who we are or what we look like, goes a long way toward attracting the attentions and affection of a significant other.

1. Give Off Those Good Vibrations
I get handfuls of letters from men voicing their disdain at not being given a chance by other guys because they feel they don’t “measure up” in the looks department. While it is true in many cases that an attractive face can get one noticed and “in the front door” more quickly, don’t underestimate the power of your personality and presentation. Many men who feel jaded and frustrated by their unfruitful dating efforts tend to unwittingly emit a negative vibe in their interactions with others. They wear their hopelessness on their faces and in their body language and end up sabotaging themselves because people can smell this kind of negativity a mile away and will retreat from making contact, reinforcing the sense of alienation they then feel and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you’re not feeling particularly spunky, work hard at making sure you project a positive self-image and energy. It’s all in how you carry yourself. While a cute man can turn heads, there’s nothing more magnetic than a man with a jovial spirit and great sense of humor. It makes you want to get to know him.

2. Confidence is a Turn-On
Along the same lines, there is nothing sexier than a man who exudes inner strength, confidence, and self-assuredness. It shows that he has his life together and enjoys being alive. Even if you have self-consciousness about your looks, have confidence in something-anything! And then don’t be shy about it. By feeling proud of yourself and/or your accomplishments and then by finding ways to express that security intrinsically and through your actions and demeanor, men won’t be able to help but take notice.

3. Repeat After Me—“I Am A Good Catch!”
Attractive men, inside and out, possess a healthy dose of positive self-esteem. They like who they are and recognize that their worth is not dependent on their appearance. They have many other parts to themselves that make them who they are. The cliché statement, “You must love yourself before anyone else can” is very true. Negativity and pessimism are men-repellants, so start work immediately on countering any negative self-talk and recognize the unique talents and gifts that you possess that make you a good person and a good date. Internalize the affirmation, “I am a good catch!” and start acting like it rather than focusing on your unfulfilled dating card. You become more attractive to men when you believe in yourself and consider yourself to be quality boyfriend material.  

4. Unattractive Re-defined
So you don’t think you’re attractive enough?  Wrong!  Everyone has something about them that is attractive. Capitalize on what is attractive about you and recognize that which is truly ugly—ignorance, superficiality, mistreatment of your fellow gay brothers in any form or fashion, low confidence, self-degradation, cocky attitudes, excessive and superficial focuses on physical appearance, depression, etc. These are the things that are the epitome of unattractiveness and will send men running in the opposite direction. Rather than focusing on looks, try to work on identifying any personal “undesirables” you may possess and aggressively work to eliminate them from your personality and behavior to catapult you into interpersonal sophistication and savvy.

5. If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em
Being an “Average Joe” in guy/guy relationships tends to be more challenging than our lesbian and heterosexual counterparts because men are more visual creatures. Whereas women traditionally may be more prone to “overlook” physical attributes for more qualities of substance, men in general are more attuned and turned-on by what they see. Invest in your health and body by exercising and eating right, getting enough rest and relaxation, and integrating more wellness into your lifestyle. Not only will you be taking better care of yourself, but you just might secondarily be adding more appeal to the male tendency toward the visual with your healthier appearance. Nice clothing, a trendy haircut, and sharp accessories can also help to turn heads. Accentuate your looks with things that speak to your unique style and personality. We men are competitive by nature, so making yourself stand out in a way that is authentic and genuine to who you really are can go a long way toward getting yourself the right kind of attention from the right kind of men who will appreciate those particular attributes.

6. Embrace a Sense of Gay Pride
Many men, average or not, struggle with dating because of issues with their sexual identity and masculinity. Internalized homophobia and common male deficits in dealing with feelings and sensitivity can be huge barriers to attracting and maintaining healthy intimate relationships. These things can get in the way of becoming more emotionally intimate. A gay man who is proud of his homosexuality and not afraid to express this part of his identity adds a whole new element to the definition of attractiveness. Having good social skills, emotional intelligence, and effective communication skills are additional assets to drawing in the right kind of men you may be looking for.

7. Stop the Comparison Game
Another symptom of the “Average Joe” syndrome is that these men commonly compare themselves to other men and judge themselves critically in how they “measure up” to Adonis-like guys. This is extremely self-defeating because it’s unfair to compare one aspect of oneself (looks) to someone else’s physical appearance. We have to look at the whole person, the entire package. There are some very physically-pleasing-to-look-at guys out there who are very unattractive in spirit and personality. Stop objectifying yourself and others and becoming prejudiced by looking at things as being “good enough” in only one capacity or human trait.

8. Different Strokes for Different Folks
Never forget the fact that not everyone is attracted to the model-boy or porn-star type. Everybody has different attractions, tastes, and preferences in men. While you may feel like you’re in the minority a lot of the time, it’s important to have faith that there really is somebody out there for everybody and it’s just been a little more challenging finding the right timing, situational contexts, and geographical placements to put the two of you together.

9. Bring Out the Sexiness Factor!
Every human on this planet is and has the capacity to be sexy, no matter what one’s appearance. If you can tap into this feeling, it will radiate and charm the pants off of people (figuratively, and sometimes literally too!). A good heart and a healthy mind are totally sexy. If you can integrate all of these tips into your repertoire and express them, people will be drawn to your energy. Just like “The Law of Attraction” states…you will attract what you put out there. When you feel good about yourself and what you have to offer and can translate that in your mood, spirit, and behavior, your appeal to others will increase. While looks can certainly be a component, sexiness is really about attitude. If you give yourself permission to access and unleash it, it can really be a guy magnet.

–and in conclusion–

10. Live Life to the Max!!!
Finally, and most important of all, live your life! Stop dwelling on your appearance and don’t make your happiness contingent solely on your dating life. Make the most of what you have, develop your inner resources and social capabilities, and enjoy your life. Recognize the things that you do and don’t have control over and practice the art of self-acceptance. By taking the emphasis off of your looks and channeling those energies into living a full life, you’ll definitely be living with more meaning and passion that will likely bring about more good tidings for you. Your inner beauty and magnetism will shine through when you’re having a blast living your life. You are beautiful!


Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

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Dating Tips for Gay Men Over 40


Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd. In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects.

The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys.

Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!”

It is hoped that this article will prove all that wrong and provide you with some tips for maximizing your midlife dating success! While the reality is that ageism does exist and there are obstacles in the dating jungle (at any age), these hurdles do not have to dictate the outcome of your love-life. In actuality, your stage-of-life puts you in an advantageous position to conquer this adversity. With your life experience and history, you probably have a greater repertoire of coping skills, resiliency, sense of self, assertiveness, self-esteem, and an expansive support system and resources. This will take you far and makes you a very good catch!

So let’s push aside those fears that you won’t be able to attract someone after you reach a certain age. Let’s destroy that stereotype that all older gay men are unhappy, lonely, and camp out at the local strip bar every night “trolling.” It’s nonsense! YOU make your life what you want it to be and “you’re only as old as you feel”, as the “old” saying goes. Midlife is sexy! And here are seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!

No matter what your age, this is the most critical first step. It’s very important that you take the time to develop a clear and vivid image of who you are and what you want out of your life, including your dating life. Are you seeking a long-term relationship and a life partner or just casual dating? What does the rest of your life look like? What would your ideal partner be like and how would your relationship function?
Your answers to such questions will help give you the direction you need to accomplish your goals, giving you a measuring stick to keep you on track and assess your status. How much of a gap exists between your idealized vision and your current reality?
Do the work that’s needed to bridge that gap and begin the process of identifying your needs, differentiating between those that are negotiable and non-negotiable so you can more adequately screen future dating partners for their suitability with your vision.

Erik Erickson is best known in the psychology field as having developed eight stages of psychosocial human development that we all pass through as we age through the lifespan. Every age group has its own unique challenges and developmental tasks to conquer before being able to successfully move on to the next stage. According to this theory, such hallmarks that exist for the middle-aged man include nurturing close relationships, career management, household maintenance, creativity, and commitment to family and the community. Having a sense of purpose and passion and being able to impact the world with one’s talents is a central feature.

As gay men, many of our developmental tasks were skipped or neglected because of our retreat to “the closet” in coping with the homophobic society we live in. Successful integration of your gay identity into your sense of self allows you to then address those developmental tasks that were suspended until you were ready. So the next step for you is explore any developmental tasks that still require mastery from earlier years and start working at them. For example, a middle-aged man who comes out later in life will likely experience the adolescent tasks of exploring his sexuality and practicing man-to-man relationship skills, causing him to feel like a teenager again. Perfectly normal in gay male development, no matter what your age!
And then the next step for your success is to discover something that you can do that will give you a sense of meaning and purpose and begin to express that. Find your calling and live it out. This will be your legacy of sorts and is a great way to solidify your identity. This will help anchor you during your dating trials and can be one of the top ways of meeting a compatible partner. Your passion and “zest for life” will be magnetic and you’ll likely be meeting others with similar interests and philosophies in the venues you pursue.

The illustrious “midlife crisis” strikes those men who experience anxiety and apprehension at realizing they’ve lived half their lives and begin to question and contemplate what they’ve accomplished in their lives thus far, fearing that not much time is left to live their visions.
Midlife is the perfect time to revisit your original vision and tweak it so it more accurately reflects who you are now and the man you’d still like to become. Reframe this time in your life as a time for growth and opportunity, not something to be abhorred. You have control over shaping your life into something spectacular and fulfilling!
Midlife is sexy!   Here’s Part 2 of the seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!

What we say to ourselves impacts our mood and behavior. The “monster in your head” is that little voice that whispers (and sometimes screams) negative statements about yourself and the world around you. Our internal dialogue impacts whether we look at life through a lens of optimism and hope versus pessimism and negativity.
Examine your self-talk as it pertains to being middle-aged and your views on dating and gay men. Create a list of all the thoughts that come to mind about these topics unedited. If you have such thoughts as “I’m too old to find love”, “All the good ones are taken”, “I’m going to be all alone”, or “Nobody will find me attractive, I’m 50!” then your monster needs an ass-kicking.

Don’t fall into the trap of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Begin creating a list of counter-statements or affirmations that will defeat this negative thinking. The more you believe these myths about midlife dating, the more you are setting yourself up for sabotage and it’s important to begin challenging these beliefs by taking stock of true-life success stories or by taking risks and creating your own triumphant victory. Refuse to be held victim to such deprecating thoughts and start developing a mindset around midlife as a positive time in your life to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

There’s no point becoming preoccupied with your youth “in the days gone by.” You’re as young as you feel and resisting the fact that life changes will only keep you arrested in your development and is a recipe for unhappiness and regret. Learn to accept all the physical and emotional changes that accompany midlife and be proud of who you are and your story.
Do your best to reduce ageism and ensure that you yourself are not behaving in ways that perpetuate this type of discrimination. For example, if you utilize personal ads as a venue for seeking dating partners, make sure you are honest about all aspects of yourself and don’t fudge on your age. This will increase your odds of attracting more compatible people responding to your ad; remember, it’s quality and not the quantity of your responses.

Where do you meet other quality guys?! No matter what your age, this is one of the most common questions surrounding dating and it all boils down to your vision and values. While picking up other men in bars could be a viable approach, it’s a difficult setting to do so because there are so many guys to have to sift through and screen to determine their suitability with your vision for a life partner.
The key is to match your values, needs, preferences, and life purpose with a venue that has some of these qualities and characteristics. This way, you’re surrounded by other men who share at least some semblance of your vision; that makes you one step closer to possibly finding someone who’d be a “good fit.” Examples might be volunteering for a worthy cause or advocacy center, joining a support group, participating in a sporting club, becoming active in a gay-friendly church, signing on to a personal ads site that caters to the middle-aged crowd, etc. The possibilities are endless, but self-knowledge about your vision and passions is a critical key to its success.

Nothing helps you through the trials and tribulations of dating better than a solid support system of friends and people who care about you. Invest in current and new relationships with friends and family to give you that boost and sense of connection that we all need. Make sure to look for other midlife gay men who display positive dating lifestyles or older gay couples who can be looked upon as role models to keep them visible in your mind and to help motivate you to see the possibilities that abound. You could even become a mentor yourself to a younger gay man to “give back” in some way and form other positive alliances.

Dating is not a passive activity. You must be proactive and go after what you want or the likelihood of success is minimized. Develop a strong resource bank of dating skills and behaviors that will promote the chances of more positive outcomes. Strengthen your social skills, build more assertiveness and comfort with boundaries, enhance your self-esteem and body image, resolve unfinished business from the past, and get yourself into good physical and emotional shape. Get yourself armed and ready for love!
Conclusion – Gay dating success can be yours in midlife, and at any age! By incorporating these seven steps into your dating plan, you’re well on your way to increasing the odds of success. Know yourself, develop a positive and optimistic mindset, build your repertoire of dating skills and behaviors, and live your life to the fullest! This can be the best time of your life; don’t waste another minute!

Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?

Join a gay dating site where you can meet single guys from any town or city. Rely instead on Gay Dating Solutions to do the work for you!

Don’t get fooled by FREE offers made by other sites. Gay Dating Solutions is offering a free 6 month promotion ABSOLUTELY no strings, request for credit card numbers, etc…it is the only site that is truly free to join!
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