My boyfriend and I were friends for a couple of years (we’re both gay men, he’s 30 and I’m 26), then I stopped joining the military and pursued him. We’ve been boyfriends for two years now. We were both happy and we had sex on a regular basis during the first year. I’m more into anal (as a top) but we mainly did oral because he isn’t into anal. We tried a few times early on but every time I mention it now he doesn’t seem keen, so I’ve left it alone. Six months ago he started having trouble “getting it up” even for oral. After it happened a couple of times he basically said, “I’m sorry, it’s because I think people aren’t attracted to me.” After that happened I started to lose my interest in sex between us and now we rarely have it. Even if he did offer to try anal I don’t even think that would motivate me to have sex with him. Apart from that we get on great but I feel as though I’m starting to see him more as a friend. I’ve been thinking about breaking up for the last three months but I would feel terrible for a few reasons: his previous boyfriend broke up with him without giving him a reason, which he struggled to come to terms with, and he’s very self-conscious about his weight. So I can’t tell him the reason I want to break up — I don’t find him attractive anymore — because that might erode his mental health. (He is seeing a therapist.) If sex was great between us I would be happy to remain boyfriends since everything else is working out and I’m fairly certain he’s happy with our relationship as it is, which makes it even harder to end it. Advice?
— Chad Cornejo
A sexless relationship may be fine for your boyfriend — it may be what he wants — but it’s not fine for you, Chad, and it’s not what you want. And a guy who’s too insecure about his own attractiveness to get it up for a guy who’s attracted to him is unlikely to be secure enough for an open relationship, which means staying with him and getting sex elsewhere isn’t a workable option. So unless you’re prepared to spend the next fifty years of your life in a sexless relationship to avoid hurting your boyfriend’s feelings, Chad, you’re going to have to end it. But instead of saying, “It’s over because I’m not attracted to you anymore,” say, “It’s over because we clearly aren’t attracted to each other.” He might claim he’s still attracted to you, and that might even be true, but if he’s too insecure to have sex with you — if his insecurities are such huge stumbling blocks — then he’s not in good enough working order to be in a sexually exclusive relationship. You should, of course, be as considerate as possible about his insecurities when you end things, but you don’t have an obligation to stay with him forever because of them. He has an obligation to work on them with his therapist before entering into a new relationship.
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