I know I don’t have to tell you that gay men enjoy sex, honey. But so does everyone else – it’s called being human. One thing that separates us from the rest of society, unfortunately, is our experience with casual sex. It’s become a stereotype we often try to fight against (even though behind closed doors we might be Grinding away), but there’s a hidden truth that most of us might fail to see: casual sex is not for everybody.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be out in the clubs or on Grindr looking for your next hookup in order to be a successful gay man. When I was in my early twenties, trust me, I had a hell of a lot of fun. But today it seems like more and more young men are getting pressured into having casual sex simply because their friends are doing it. This cannot be healthy.
What works for me might not work for you, and vice versa. Just because your roommate is totally comfortable having casual gay sex doesn’t mean you will be. It’s become hard for people to say, “I’m not good at casual sex.” For whatever reason, we feel like everyone will assume we’re needy, we’re easily attached, or we’re emotionally unstable if we can’t bring ourselves to having casual encounters. Well, I say, screw them all!
Casual gay sex isn’t a requirement for gay men. It’s not some phase you “have to” go through nor is it detrimental for your overall mental health in the long run. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of guys who go through a two-year phase – having a lot of sex almost as soon as they come out as a means to rid themselves of all the built up suppression. That’s fine too, but not everyone needs to experiment as much as their bestie (who’s set the bar pretty high).
I have to admit, I used to be a judgmental creep when it came to stuff like this. Because I was so promiscuous in my early twenties, I thought everyone ought to be. It wasn’t until ‘t one of my good friends had just come out and immediately got involved in a long-term relationship that I started to question myself. I naively thought he was damaging his future because he hadn’t gotten all the “men” out of his system yet (like I was in the process of doing). Well, in the end he got the last laugh because he and his partner have been going strong for nearly ten years.
The Balance of Love and Casual Gay Sex
We all exist on different spectrums. Some like sex, others love sex, and others really love sex. But a high sex drive says nothing for one’s capability to actually have it. That’s up to the person, and others are perfectly fine with taking it slow. Why is this a bad thing?
Younger guys of this generation have expressed such anxiety over the idea of casual sex. Once their relationship ends, they’re left in a rut: “Should I explore more?”, “Should I start having more sex?”, “I’ve never done it before, how do I begin?”, “I feel like I need to do it…” Trust me, I’ve seen these guys firsthand and it’s pretty pathetic. At the same time, it’s not their fault. We as a culture have somehow brainwashed each other into thinking that everyone needs to be like us. If they’re not okay with something that makes us comfortable, then they’re the ones who are wrong. When you’re surrounded by a bunch of guys who are comfortable with having casual sex (and you’re not), it’s just a matter of time before you start to wonder if something’s wrong with your lack of experience.
If you’ve read my blogs, you’d know I’m not shy when it comes to sex. I don’t have a problem with casual encounters whatsoever, but at the same time, I also have a thick emotional skin. I’m a straight shooter and have always taken pride in being very much in control, but that doesn’t mean my best friend is the same way. We’re all different.
If you’re not comfortable with casual gay sex, you’re not alone. You don’t need to do what your friends tell you to do. Stop listening to people tell you that you need to experiment more, have more sex, or drop your trousers at the first hot guy you see. Unless you want to do it, there’s no reason why you ought to. Trust me when I say that having sex is the least of your problems. When you fail to listen to your gut, your instinct, and your soul, that’s when you run into irreversible problems. Don’t let it get to that point, honey. You can’t afford the therapy.
Have you found the right one, or are you still searching?